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How to get over my girlfriend's past?

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asked Apr 12, 2014 in Questions by ibu04 (165 points)
edited Apr 12, 2014 by longhands1

We are in a long distance relationship. Both in our mid twenties with a marriage commitment. It's my first relationship, not hers. I have been raised in a conservative environment but I am very open minded. Academically and career wise I have achieved everything a middle class boy in India in his twenties can think to achieve. I never thought of getting into a relationship. I am very honest in my personal life. I don't lie. I keep my word. I would never cheat on my partner. I had marriage proposals before but I refused as I thought marriage would not be possible.

She is beautiful and intelligent. Perfect for me except for her past. Her first relationship did not work out because of caste differences. Both of them knew that they did not have a future so they did not even try to persuade their parents. They simply moved on. After that one more guy came into her life for arranged marriage scenario. But it did not fructify. She said she has not been involved sexually with any man. But I am not interested to know her sexual past. I have made my peace with that fact.

So here is the problem. I feel extremely jealous of her first bf. I know I am much better than him in everything education, salary etc, probably lookwise too. I am taller than him. I have persuaded myself not to bring him up in the conversation. But he keeps coming. I could feel extreme happiness in my gf's voice when she talks about him. She praises him a lot. She defends him for his mistakes. And I cannot describe my feeling. There is nothing worse than your gf praising her ex. When I imagine them together, it feels like someone has stabbed me from back. Internally I crave that she tells me that I am better than him. But she does not understand. She keeps on praising him. And it hurts very badly. I am very rational and competitive but I don't understand why I hate him so much.

There is no sex in our relationship. She asked me to wait for marriage and I agreed. I have explicitly communicated my issues to her. She is even changing her behavior. But it keeps coming again and again and wastes my day. I can't focus on anything. Probably I overthink but I am made that way.

How do I change myself for this situation? I don't want a break up. I actually love her and she loves me too.

 

ibu,

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5 Answers

1 like 0 dislike
 
Best answer

ibu,

You have spent a long time, writing a long question. What I find intriguing is that you don't have the time to comment on the Answers that are written. As an Advisor, your feed back helps me to factor in more facts and provide a more meaningful reply.

Was her earlier relationship also a long distance one or would they meet more often? Were caste differences the only reason that they broke up? And you say neither of them even spoke to their parents about marriage. So where is the bonding? Such couples when they are truly in love will do everything possible to fructify the relationship.

There is a reason she must be bringing up the topic of her Ex. so often. You may be forcing her to do so, with your pride that you are the most qualified and most eligible bachelor around. Be humble. Maybe your girlfriend wants to make a point.

The real issue is about you. If your girlfriend's past is such a big issue just now, imagine what it will be like when married. You will always feel that you are a virgin and your wife is not - relationshipw wise (not sex). It is also about your lack of confidence in yourself. Your girlfriend's past is the past, what should worry you is her present. And the present is about you. Have you met her boyfriend, so why are you fighting a shadow? You can't compete with a shadow!

You need to seriously consider the longevity of this relationship.

answered Apr 14, 2014 by longhands1 (64,215 points)
selected Apr 15, 2014 by ibu04
commented Apr 14, 2014 by ibu04 (165 points)
edited Apr 14, 2014 by ibu04
Thanks for the answer. I was waiting for more answers to come in.

They were college buddies. He proposed her and she accepted. Both of them knew from the beginning that marriage will not be possible. Knowing that there is no future, still they went into a relationship.

In the beginning of our relationship she told me that he was just a good friend. I appreciated her honesty. I refrained from knowing more about her past. See in the LDR we just talk over phone and based on the conversation we construct a mental image but she breaks the image by telling (without me prompting) something more and contradictory to the previous image. And then it hurts so bad.

I expect emotional fulfillment from this relationship. There is no possibility of sex. I want that she appreciate what is good in me. But she throws a shoe of her ex's qualities on my face. And a small part of me dies. I am facing this feeling of jealously for the first time in my life. I have been lived in a healthy competitive environment and I always appreciate my competitors.

One more thing I want to mention is initially I was pretty cool with her ex. I was aware that everyone indulges in casual relationships. It's only when I really started loving her, I could not tolerate anyone else's presence in her life including her past. I know it's irrational but since when love was rational.
commented Apr 14, 2014 by longhands1 (64,215 points)

ibu,

He proposed and she accepted. Accepted what? Friendship or marriage? I feel your girlfriend is bit immature and needs more time to decide her priorities. Of course she appreciates what is good in you. That is why she is your friend. She is honest to tell you about her past. Accept that and move on.

commented Apr 15, 2014 by ibu04 (165 points)
She accepted being her girlfriend.

From now on I will focus on what is good in our relationship and also ask her not to bring her ex bf in conversations again and again.
commented Apr 15, 2014 by longhands1 (64,215 points)

Thank You inbu. I take back my words that you have not commented. You have and really detailed ones at that.

Remember, everything works out well in the end. 

0 like 0 dislike
Dude,
After listening this story suddenly I got flash of bollywood movie Hum tumhare hai sanam. :)
Coming to the point of your jealousness, Listen it's always obvious that a girl's first love and Man's last love is always immortal. That relation is memorable to her and she will never forget him. Believe me he was the first guy who came in her dream and she gave her heart to him, May be he was not so serious as she was. But it seems she already gave her heart to him.

                                               Now coming back to you marrying her, Believe me even after marriage she will praise him, she will defend him. Even after saying that you don't like to listen she may not explicitly tell you, but inside her mind she will be praising him. So now you decide whether to marry her or not. Because even small fight in between you people after marriage will bring her past on the table and the whole thing vanishes and this matter will be the subject of argument. So it's upon you now.

And coming to you as you said that you have achieved everything in terms of career and money, I can see that you have struggled to reach this position. and knowing all these bullshits of world is frustrating you. If you asking my opinion, Enjoy the life by visiting new places and going to pubs and parties, make new friends, in this course you will definitely find a girl who will pull the strings of your soul.... Have a good life dude..

                                                  - Remember I am an Experienced guy.
answered Apr 12, 2014 by sonu999 (200 points)
commented Apr 14, 2014 by ibu04 (165 points)
Yes I have struggled a lot to achieve. And all this bullshit frustrates me. My only mistake is that I have not committed any mistake. I have always been too sincere and honest.

I don't have any other issues with my gf. Also I do realize I would not get a girl who does not have a past at this age. So I don't want a break up. I would still try to modify my behavior and ask her to do the same. And if it still does not work out I would probably move on.
commented Apr 14, 2014 by sonu999 (200 points)
Great dude,
Do what you love and love what you do...
0 like 0 dislike
It happens to me also. My girlfriend likes intellectual boys but I am not that kind of.Sometimes she too compares me with one guy who is best in debates and speaking etc.I feel very strong anger that time but she say that she don't care for it and loves me only. I also ignore after that because she neither talks to him nor meet him or see him. Your situation is both different and same as mine.Different as my gf never had bf but same as she praises someone else in front of me.So dear first thing is realize that your girlfriend is with you and she loves you.As you have mentioned I can predict you trust and love her a lot. Then you should not think it as a big matter it is a normal thing for a girl they often praises someone else in front of their boyfriend. May be they want their bf to jealous or whatever. Like boys girls are their everything. If a boy loves a girl and is committed then the world's perfect for him is her girl.Girls are not the same they still praised other men talent. You don't need to worry a little your girl is yours even if she praise anyone in front of you. BUT I AM SURE SHE USED TO PRAISE ONLY ABOUT YOU IN FRONT OF THE OTHERS OR HER FRIENDS. So take care and happy marriage life
answered Apr 13, 2014 by robotboy1 (685 points)
commented Apr 14, 2014 by ibu04 (165 points)
Thanks :-)
0 like 0 dislike
She will never forget him. Its up to you that you want to marry a girl who praises you and push you to achieve success in life or the one who is stuck in her past. Remember one thing, there are some types of people who live in present, some type of people who try to live in future and some types worthless idiots who are stuck in the past. And mark my words, the moment you stay with the ones who are stuck in their past, your growth stagnates. You will lose self confidence and will keep trying to find flaws in you instead of working and increasing your strengths.

Now for those who live in future are the ones who are the dreamers. They just dream and instead of working in their present they just ruin it by wasting their time as well as of others.

From your question it seems that you are the one who lives in present. Now, you got a girl who is stuck in her past and mind my words " IF SHE IS NOT MOVING ON EVEN AFTER BEING COMMITTED TO YOU, THEN SHE NEVER WILL". Instead, you will be the one who will suffer like her and will stay depressed for rest of your life.

And don't give a damn to the statement that first love never dies or is the memorable one. These things are bullshit emerged from our so called Bollywood.

Be with the one who talks about you, encourages you and live with you with you being in her mind. Think of one thing - Suppose you're having sex with your current one after your marriage and she says "how  would my ex had done this act to me if he is there?" You will die right there and feel like a loser which could affect your career also.

I am saying this because of experiencing the same and in my case my ex gf was involved with her ex to certain sexual intimacy (not intercourse) but who knows. She never allowed me to touch her and always brought her ex's name in quarrels and he was an asshole with no personality at all.

Choose wisely and live well. All the best buddy. (y)
answered Apr 13, 2014 by Rakky5000 (280 points)
commented Apr 14, 2014 by ibu04 (165 points)
Thanks buddy for the answer.
1 like 0 dislike
Are you sure that she loves you the way you love her. I think she does not love you same way as you love her. I am getting feeling that she comes in relationship with you because of her first relationship did not work. She has her own reason to keep the relationship with you I guess this is from your description. Probably she has not still able to come out from her first relationship and that is reflects from her attitude of praising her ex. She should have to stop praising or talking about her ex as that was past and it has gone now she is in new relationship with you and you are going to get married.

What you can do is, do not keep quite when she talks about her ex bf you should show you unhappiness that you do not like when she talks about her ex. Let her know that she is hurting you by praising her ex. One more thing do not compare yourself with her ex bf as there is no comparison both of you are different and unique and ask same thing to her. You may discuss your worry to her and try to know her preparedness to leave her first relationship and move on. If she is not showing interest in your discussion and argue with you than you should have to rethink on your decision to get married to her otherwise that will create a bitterness in your relationship and your marriage life will not happy.

It is commendable that you are ready to accept her with her past otherwise boys can never able to forget their partner's past relationship; no matter how much she loves. Therefore, it is her responsibility to keep you happy, as you are her future not her ex. Do not jump on her and compel her to stop talking about her past, try to resolve your problem with maturity as adjustment is a couple's responsibility not one's.
answered Apr 14, 2014 by alpesh kapdi (20,515 points)
commented Apr 14, 2014 by ibu04 (165 points)
Thanks alpesh for the answer.

I will do the same.

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