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Wife's premarital affair has shocked me. How do I handle it?

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asked May 20, 2014 in Questions by k.shastri (1,035 points)
Hello,

I am Kapil, 35 years old and my wife is 37. I am not new to this site and have been regularly reading and participating in discussions. Some of the questions on extra marital or pre marital affair always won my attention and I have advised on them as well. I was always influenced by such people and I wanted my wife to have an extra marital affair and I had fantasy of watching her loved by another man.

She was very reluctant to accept my fantasy to bring it to reality. She said, she can't think of any other person than me, she loves only me and so many such things. While, I was trying to force/convince her for extra marital affair, I went on the topic of her ex-boyfriend. I knew, she had a boyfriend before our marriage, but she always told me that except few kisses on lips and face, they did not have any physical relation.

Few days back, when I was trying to convince her, I again raised the same topic. I told her that one of the friends in her company has joined in my company and he was telling about her and her ex-boyfriend. I added, he was not aware that I am married to you and told me that you were caught having sex in office. To this she really broke down and accepted she had sex with her ex-boyfriend. I was just bluffing, which turned out to be true and my heart really sank. I didn't know how to react. I started asking her about their relationship in details and kept asking it till she started crying.

She went to her parents home after that evening, but before going, and during my interrogation, she admitted that she had regular relation with him and they had sex several times. She was quite hesitant to answer any more questions and she said, it was her mistake to choose that guy and she does not want to talk about it.

Here I am going so mad. For last 8 years, I was thinking that I have married a virgin lady. All our sex episodes flashed before my eyes and I started linking it how expertly she did sex with me and I didn't realize it that she is experienced.

I am feeling cheated big time and really don't know how to react. I want to know every minute details like how many time she had sex. If they used condom. If she got pregnant. Was he better than me. Will she do It again.... There are thousands which no one can imagine.

I tried to call her up, but she starts crying and saying sorry. I can't just live with a fake person. I asked her in past about it and she lied. We have two children, hope they are mine at least.

I am in dilemma, whether to keep this relation or not. I am still feeling cheated, as she is not giving me information I want about her past.

Please help me.
commented May 20, 2014 by abhi14343 (1,835 points)
edited May 21, 2014 by prashant69
Don't be so frustrated it is nothing but a relation
commented May 21, 2014 by zena69 (1,425 points)
Don't understand why do you feel cheated! You admitted that you wanted to see your wife to have extra-matrital sex. Your fantasy is long  fulfilled and now you may join her with her partner and have a happy 3-some!
commented May 21, 2014 by k.shastri (1,035 points)
Zena, thanks for your advice.
But, I felt cheated as i was expecting her to be virgin, which she is not.
Having threesome with my consent and having pre marital affair, which she hide from me are totally two different things.
Very hard for me to accept.
commented May 23, 2014 by k.shastri (1,035 points)
I thank you all for giving me your thoughts about my crises.
I got few negative response, which are facts and I have decided to live with those.
All the positive thoughts made me realize that I am hurt as i love her more than anything.
We have decided to meet today and talk out the differences.
I have a feeling that the things will restore to normal very soon.
Time is best solution for healing such wounds.



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9 Answers

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Best answer

shastri,

How the tables have turned! But why are you behaving like a martyr? She was freindly and had sexual relations, but this was in the past. Before marriage. You have been leading her on with your fantasies to have sex with a third person. Don't you think it was better that it happened when she was not married to you.

But, yes your ego is hurt and that is the problem. You have not specified if you had asked her before marriage whether she was a virgin. But even if she lied to you, that can be forgiven. 

It is not like you want your wife to be spotless and would get very disturbed if she slept with someone else. On the contrary, your fantasies of her having sex with another person has led you to have mind blowing sex. She has been honest with you and told you the truth. A bit late may be, but still it is the truth. Forgive her and move on. 

By keeping her away from you, the distance will increase and any patch up will become more difficult.    

answered May 21, 2014 by longhands1 (71,455 points)
selected Nov 19, 2015 by k.shastri
commented May 21, 2014 by k.shastri (1,035 points)
Thanks LongHands,

We met through a marriage burrow and our marriage is purely a arranged one. Before our engagement, we dated once, when I asked her about her past. She told that she had a boyfriend, where she is working. She did not tell anything about being physical. Neither, I asked as it would have been insulting at that time.

During all years of my married life, i gave her my fullest love, affection, care and after several years of marriage and believing to gain each other trust, I asked her couple of times, if she was physical with her ex. She used to say no with so conference that I never thought against it. Because of her lying to me I feel like betrayed.

Some where you... And other who reply are right. Past is past... And I believe, God has taught me right lesson. He gave me a partner who has already fulfilled my wish.

I don't know, how much successful will be to forget these things, but I really think i can never.

But for our kids, I have decided at least to pretend so and try to forget her past.
commented May 21, 2014 by longhands1 (71,455 points)

shastri,

Time is a great healer and soon your crisis too will pass. You have to give it time and patience. Do not make it an ego issue. Yes, you are hurt. Anyone in your place would also be. But your greatness lies in forgetting (trying) and forgiving. She is the mother of your children (though you have expressed doubts!).

commented Apr 28, 2016 by rahul123_123 (100 points)
Dear kapil, I also cheated with my fiancee, but I want to say one thing, if murder is crime,and there have punishment for it, then it is also crime, and there should be punishment for this crime like ancient time, otherwise whole society will spoil.
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dear Mr.K. Shastri first i can understand your problem having sex is common whether it is extra marital or premarital relation

your wife did not cheated you in you marital relation she had relation with him but she never ignored you in sex or in any way so u can trust her and can maintain your present relation with her without any problem

you have the desire to watch your wife with other man in that way she had made your work easy by having relation with him why i say this because he already a friend of your wife and close to your family so if u choose a man also he is the correct choice so make him your partner in satisfying your desire

this will help to get answers for all your questions when you do this u can question them both(your wife and the other guy)  or u can get answers itself for all your question which arise in your mind about your wife relation thus you can get the answers for all your questions and also get your desire satisfied

Enjoy your sex-life as well as your marriage life
Regards
Abhi
answered May 20, 2014 by abhi14343 (1,835 points)
commented May 21, 2014 by k.shastri (1,035 points)
Abhi, for me now it is impossible to even think of threesome. My fantasy got vanished the moment she accepted being physical with her ex. I don't even met that man, so my anxiety was more to know about him.

All the years we spent together, I thought I educated her all the things about sex, but now I come to know that she is just fooling me about not knowing it. I mean wow, what an actor she is... And what a fool I am to not understand that she is experienced.

I know, I have to live with it now, but no ways, I will tolerate she sleeping with him again. My threesome fantasy was just to make her experience one another cock, but she already have the experience.

I am not even sure, how many men she slept with before me and the feeling of getting a used wife is hurting my mind.
commented May 22, 2014 by abhi14343 (1,835 points)
ya shastri i can understand your feeling no one can stop a women to have relation but if you restrict her she will think of that and try to have relation with him so better you keep silent and slowly change her mood and try to make her feel your love and make her trust you
Abhi
2 like 0 dislike

Be careful what you wish for...........

You've gone on and on and on at her to get your fantasy fulfilled, and she doesn't want it, surely that should tell you something about A) how much she loves you. B) how distressing the idea of sex with another man while you watch feels to her. C) how ashamed she is that you now know something she hoped to leave in her past.

Like most men, you want her to be a ****, but only on your terms!!!! And only for your gratification!!!!!!! I sense absolutely no concern about how she feels, or what she wants. She's your wife, not your sex slave, so try, just for a moment, to think of her for a change.

So she wasn't a virgin when you got married, so what? Were you a virgin? She, and I pity her for this, loves you, and doesn't want her marriage to be wrecked just to satisfy your lusts. She obviously doesn't find the idea of threesomes or groups, or cuckoldry exciting, and you're now using her past mistake as leverage to force her to accept something she finds repugnant. Sex is, within a loving relationship, a shared experience that those involved consent to, whatever form it might take. You are trying to force her into activities for which she has no desire, and you risk ruining your marriage as a consequence.

As for her lying about being a virgin, how many women truly are virgins when they marry, for that matter, how many of you men?

Salma

answered May 20, 2014 by sexysalma (14,945 points)
commented May 20, 2014 by coolncute (840 points)
I agree with Salma fully
commented May 21, 2014 by k.shastri (1,035 points)
Salma, what you wrote has made lot of difference to me for sure.
She really been loyal to me after our marriage. At least I believe so.
I was virgin when I got married and when I asked her she also claimed to be virgin.
My disappointment is more because she did not tell me truth even when I asked, than to come to know, she is not virgin.
I was so confident that my wife is most trustworthy person in my life, which she is not. Finally relationship is based on trust and truths.
commented May 21, 2014 by sexysalma (14,945 points)

Relationships can be based on many things, including  such things as fear, need, love, lies, lust, money........ So many things including trust. If your marriage was arranged by parents, the trust is way down the list of requirements!!!!

What you seem unable to grasp is this: Your wife loves you, and she has no desire for sex with someone else. She probably kept the truth about losing her virginity from you because her mother told her that men demand that their bride is untouched before the nuptials are performed. Many girls are really scared that they will be humiliated if they admit to having been with a guy before their wedding night. I'm from England, and this attitude doesn't exist here, except within the more traditionalist environment of the Asian British communities. But the younger generation girls and guys are like their white counterparts, and most of us see nothing wrong in having loving, sexual relationships during adolescence, way before we settle down in marriage. It's quite normal for British girls (of any ethnicity) to have had at least one sexual relationship prior to marriage, and guys prefer a girl to know what she's doing in the bedroom, as there's not much fun in a girl who knows nothing!!!. Quite apart from actually having sex, a girl's virginity (from a physical point of view) can be broken from strenuous exercise, inserting tampons, masturbation..... and so on. In your case, your wife had a relationship that included sex. She must have cared about him if she had sex, as her attitude toward you suggests a woman who is devoted to keeping herself only for you, even though you want to make a **** out of her. 

Now, I want you to ask yourself one thing: Do you want to destroy your marriage? Because you will do exactly that if you can't put her past behind you with sincerity. It's no good pretending to forgive (while you secretly hold this resentment in your heart), your forgiveness has to be genuine and from the heart, and once given, never ever raise the subject again. If you can't do that, then get a divorce and set her free, because, even if you continue to live together, you'll never really be a loving partnership. For both of you, it would be better to start again than live together with her always being made to feel guilty, and you regarding her as a **** to be scorned and resented.

Salma

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Any woman likes to sleep with a man as a good woman except prostitutes. Not only woman, men also like to enjoy sex with pure woman. Why your wife kept her past affair secret? It is only because neither you can enjoy sex nor she can enjoy if she would have disclosed her past. You both enjoyed a lot of good sex only because she kept her past secret. Now everything is open. Now you both cannot enjoy sex like the way you use to enjoy before. That is the reason she has gone away from you. Because you have two children you need to compromise with your life. Go and meet and bring her back to your house. Enjoy life without opening her past life.
answered May 21, 2014 by shanti200462 (2,060 points)
commented May 21, 2014 by k.shastri (1,035 points)
Shanti, your suggestion is appreciated.
But I am really confused, if I shall ask about her past or not.
If I ask, the she might not tell, but if I don't ask, i will be not coming out of it.
What shall I do, talk it out or forget it.
commented May 21, 2014 by prashant69 (6,925 points)

k.shastri,let bygone be bygone .No use talking over a spilled milk. One way or other your fantasy has been fulfilled . Why not think of she doing it with him while doing sex with her!If you are imaginative . If you give her confidence she would also tell and you both could enjoy! 

0 like 0 dislike
There is no any question  to accept those wife/female who cheat the husband because such type female is not honest and shows fake love. According to sastra female who have sex more thane one male is called sex worker,and such type female is not satisfied with one man and keeps sexual relation other man because she has already lost her morality.
answered May 21, 2014 by ak.phy (110 points)
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To avoid the current situation only she has lied to you in the past, accept the fact that she had a relation in the past which she too is not too happy about. I would recommend to you not to call her through phone and to go directly to her parents place, take her out, talk about things and how stupid you have felt when she lied to you(those sort of things) and definitely tell her its ok that she had a relation before marriage though it came as a shock to you and to not to lie to you ever again. Just think if you had your chance with a hot girl before marriage you too would have done the same thing right. Forget about the past and think of your families future, I know its easy for me to say but try to think that sex isnt a big part of love or being loved. About your fantasy , I have read about lots of guys fantasizing those sort of things but my advise will be go get involved with such fantasies only and only if you dont consider sex with another person with mutual consent is not a big thing otherwise it will create a lot of tensions in very near future...   All the best man and bring back your wife....
answered May 21, 2014 by 9roshan9 (235 points)
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Dude every 1 had a past and u have may be, if u dont than u r nt lucky. U said u want your wife do a extra marital affair...... Why u want ?????? Your penis do nt work properly thats why u want to satisfied ur wife by other. Shame on u
answered May 21, 2014 by Unseenguy (230 points)
commented May 21, 2014 by longhands1 (71,455 points)

Unseenguy,

Please use complete words. We have no problem of space. This is not sms language. Thanks.

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Dear K shashtri,

    You are in big tension right now. Your wife does wrong thing by not  telling you about her extra marital affair. If she was not virgin at the time of your martiage thats not a problem. Problem is that she still having extra marital affair with her ex boyfriend after 8 years of marriage.

    But you have  also explained  that you have fantasy to watch her loved by another man. So your fantasy have came  true. You want to see her in extra marital affair but on   your terms. Your regular enforcement encouraged  her to continue her extra marital affair with her ex boyfriend.

     But she managed  it very well. Now you have two kids and have to  look upon them. Take care of them. Try to solve  this problem. You too have fantasy like this and you forced her to do same but she refused and now its come true to you. Now you are  feeling  insecure about this. That's the reality my friend. It was her mistake thats why you have something to regret.

     But if she has  done it for your sake then you have to feel guilty whole.life and you don't have any excuse if your wife love that session than yours. But still its your wife fault and i think she is also aware of it and wants to be loyal with you now. So forgive her, love her and give a new start to  life which is totally based on Trust and Love.
answered May 22, 2014 by Manoj4u (6,180 points)
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sir i read your question and i see your situation. Its right that she cheated on you by not telling about her premarital affair but did you see the reason. just imagine all the year you both lived happily and just imagine all the morning evening wedding celebrations birthdays you spent together in happiness. would you be able to enjoy those if she had told you that she is not a virgin. i know its our thinking that if i am not doing wrong then why should i tolerate wrong. as you were virgin and yoy wanted a virgin girl. but does it matter. and i am sure your wife is loyal to you as when you told her about your fantasy she dint like that. sometimes its necessary to lie for goodness. did you tell evry truth of your life to her.?? you only wanted her to use to fulfill your fantasy. i salute the lady as she did so good all over your life.

why can't you swallow the truth that she had affair? be a real man. i know its hard to think that someone hold ur lady but you have to look for future.

and plz don't make your wife a **** remove your extra marital affair fantasy from your mind you will not bear it.

i suggest you to call your wife now and call her back home talk to her tell her you love her and you don't let her do any bad trust me you will be her first god. show some wisdom don't be impatient
answered May 22, 2014 by robotboy1 (690 points)
commented May 22, 2014 by robotboy1 (690 points)
I read your previous question about your exhibitionism habit. Did you tell about this to your wife? how can you blame your wife when you are too hunting for others. Just analyze yourself and act carefully

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