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My wife does not respect my opinions. Why?

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asked Jul 26, 2014 in Questions by brshdmtl (225 points)
Recently someone posted a question on how a wife should obey her husband. I felt a need to ask it again as 1) the person asking the question did not specify the reason and 2) I can relate to the question

I respect women, as I believe she is the creator of all the good things in the world. I respect my mom and all other hard working women for selflessly spending almost all their lives in the betterment of family members and others.

I got married recently. The girl is noble and cultured. So what is the problem? It started after a an unfortunate event when I could not spend time with her. I truly believe in leading by example and not by compulsion, honesty, truth, involving her in my decisions and respecting her opinions, needs, and desires to the best of my efforts and money.

She has repeatedly confirmed that she is fine with me earning less money and does not believe in extravagance. I have assured her that if something goes wrong we will talk and sort it out. Often she refuses to obey me (not all the times, but like 5-6 times out of 10) even for the smallest of things. I use the word obey as suggestion and not as an order here. I do not enforce my stand on her neither do I cause her any problems due to it.

She argues (mildly but extensively) over petty issues. Later when I get angry (mildly), she laughs it out saying that she was teasing me, much to my dismay and irritation. She does not like anything, I give her. She threatens to live separately over small issues. She has the opposite opinions most of the times.

Recently we had a discussion on rape. I believe rape is a crime irrespective of one’s clothing, she opposed it and argued a lot. She interrupts and picks up words to argue. I apologize for mistakes, she does not. Recently she had a fracture and was on the bed rest for more than 4 months. My mother took care of her, and my mother fell seriously ill. My wife did not thank or speak to me once about it. It hurt me a lot and I spoke to her about it. That is when she mentioned that she will reciprocate, but she does not like my mother 'teaching' her. I know my mother will never speak rudely to anyone - a fact confirmed by my in-laws repeatedly as we had family relations for a long before marriage.

Wait!  my wife is not that bad. She loves me and I know it. She happily adjusts to things, surprisingly when I believe she won't. She takes care of my parents. She is decent and respects all elders alike and shares qualities like truth and honesty.

I am confused on how to handle her paradoxical behaviour. Can any of you throw some light?
commented Jul 26, 2014 by kapilh (1,015 points)
dear brshdmtl
how is your sexual life with your wife ?  because some problems start from dissatisfaction at bed ,  and problems can be solved by satisfying in bed



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5 Answers

0 like 0 dislike
 
Best answer
All couple does have contradictory feelings and disagreement as you have, that is common. You have mentioned frequency of rejection; let me tell you that are also normal. What you need to do is change your attitude that your wife has to obey you, if she has a different of opinion then respect her as she has right to express her opinions. What is important is she loves you and so are you. Do not interrupt two women that mean your wife and your mother, just stay out of their affairs and let them solve their problem. If you feel irritated by your wife behavior then discuss with her when she is in good mood. Show your willingness to strengthen relationship as I do think that you have no big problem, little bit adjustment and your problem will go away.
answered Jul 26, 2014 by alpesh kapdi (21,850 points)
selected Dec 14, 2015 by brshdmtl
commented Jul 30, 2014 by brshdmtl (225 points)
thanks for clearing the topic of contradictory feelings and disagreement and noting the frequency of rejection. I use the word obey as suggestion and not as an order with her. for example if she has done something wrong - i try to lighten up the situation and laugh it of. i always try to pass on the message sublimely.

i have never, i repeat never interrupted kitchen and other household affairs between them except when i felt that she did not feel or express gratitude towards the selfless care from my mother and teaching of new recipes as i m a food lover. i stress on the fact that our relationship should be transparent ans we will always clear out negativities by talking.

i thank you for taking time. here's hoping that this is not a big problem for me
commented Dec 14, 2015 by alpesh kapdi (21,850 points)
Thanx for selecting my answer as a best asnwer
0 like 1 dislike

How well did you really know each other before you got married? Not very well, by the sound of it!!!

You have a young woman who has her own opinions, and they don't automatically accord with yours. She's trying to flex her intellectual muscles as well, and don't be surprised if she sometimes takes the opposing view in a discussion or argument, just because she wants to!!! You men are so predictable, you give your opinion, and even though it sounds fair and reasonable to you, it never occurs to you that we may not share that opinion. Yes, we can argue, as you think "for the sake of it" but maybe it's because we are trying to say " Ok, husband, I have an opinion too. Please shut up and listen to me!"

Personally, I would hate to be looked after by my mother in law, but then, I keep her at arms length from my home. She's a very welcome guest at our house, but she knows not to interfere, or "offer advice" unless asked.  There's no way I'd be "looked after" by anyone except my partner, if I was ill. 

You need to let your wife make decisions for herself (and sometimes for you too), and discussion means both of  you making the decision, not you decide, and she goes with what you wanted anyway.

I don't think you're a bad husband, just one that is still learning that we are much more complicated to understand than you men!!! If you persevere, I think you'll be a very happy couple, just remember, she is your equal in every respect, and deserves to be listened to whenever she has something to say.

By the way, if she's educated, and wants to work, rather than be bored at home, why not support her and encourage her?

Salma

answered Jul 26, 2014 by sexysalma (14,945 points)
commented Jul 26, 2014 by brshdmtl (225 points)
a very anti male opinion THIS time salma - BUT i respect it

as i have mentioned / indicated i respect women and my wife's opinions and decisions... looking after by a partner is indeed anyone's 1st choice... but in my case i have a job and for 10 hrs. i m out of home... my mother cannot sit back and rest, can she? if my wife had to take a bath with a broken arm and legs or sleep in a particular position when i m not at home, can't my mother 'look after' it? my question (maybe i was not clear or it was hidden) is can't a person expect a word of thanks (in his / her mind or heart) or gratitude for selfless efforts even if his / her 'advice' does not match with hers? "teaching her"? both my mother and her love to cook... my wife brought new things on our dinner table and everyone is happy about it... can't an elder "teach" other things to a person who has just joined our family? no i m not mamma's boy taking sides... my mother does few things which are not right - i correct it on the spot without causing negativity... after being in this relationship for 10+ months i can only feel my wife refuses to adjust

about working? i encourage her to work and study further and be confidant not for money... she is not good with her communication and people skills... and she refuses saying 'main yaha kaam karne ke liye nahi aayi'... people may call me a progressive husband, but it is not helping me

i take back few things from your reply and will try to implement it

i repeat -  I truly believe in leading by example and not by compulsion, honesty, truth, involving her in my decisions and respecting her opinions, needs, and desires to the best of my efforts and money.
0 like 0 dislike
Dear brshdmtl,


   Thats the story of almost each family. Two people always have different mindset and different views. So you and your wife are. So if you can understand her thts the bestnthing you can do. I know you have to favour both your mother and your wife too. But by your conversation it seems you wife is also a good lady and your mother too. Sometime she may be angry and thats why she behaves likes this. As we humans behaves like that in what mood we are. Thats why this is so. Good Luck, you have write a mlone line that is we will share everything and sort out our problem thats what you have to do. good Luck .!
answered Aug 9, 2014 by Manoj4u (6,180 points)
2 like 0 dislike

brshdmtl,

It is nice to see you post a comment to every answer that you received. Most Users are lazy. They post a question and then disappear. I have tried to analyse your question and find the answers in the comments you made.

 

You seem to have deep rooted issues about the virginity of your wife, as reflected in your statement that the hymen was missing. As we have often said on this Site, the hymen can me absent for many reasons and not only because of sex. There are only two ways to know the truth. One is if she tells you and the second is also if she tells you. In other words, you have to accept what your wife says. Do not let the issue of a small tissue become a big issue. Suspicion of the human mind is one of the most difficult things to conquer and once it raises its head, there will be incessant quarrels and showdowns. From what I see, your wife has never forgiven you for asking that question.

 

The next issue seems to be your earning capacity. Somewhere this was or has become an issue. Maybe you were not working when you got married and your working was one of the conditions for marriage. If there is a vast difference in lifestyle, then it takes time to resolve these issues and the disrespect you say or imagine could be because of this reason. The only solution here is it sit and talk calmly with your wife about financial issues and make some allowances for her way of living.

 

The third issue I see is an old traditional conflict between Mother-in-Law and Daughter-in-law. How you handle this will require acumen and skill. Your wife thinks that you are siding with your mother and shows her disrespect for you, in order to prove her point. Think seriously of moving out, even though your resources may be limited, as this conflict can take a toll on your whole life. You seem to be forcing your wife to respect your mother. This will work in the opposite way and she will hate her even more.

 

Finally, do not think of what happened in the past. Live in the present. You cannot change your wife or your mother, what you can change is your own attitude. You say you work for ten hours a day. Well how much time do you spend with your wife? Give it a thought. 

answered Sep 25, 2014 by longhands1 (71,435 points)
edited Oct 1, 2014 by longhands1
commented Sep 25, 2014 by brshdmtl (225 points)
thanks for your time longhands1... i have absolutely no issue about virginity... as i mentioned hymen can break due to many reasons... she misunderstood it as a question of virginity... misunderstanding... i was working with TCS when i got married... earning really good... we are a well to do family... i have spoken to her about money and future... i suggested working as she has done her MBA... suggestion, not order... nothing about money... just a suggestion... and a refusal from her... misunderstanding...  traditional conflict between Mother-in-Law and Daughter-in-law? yes and no... my in-laws visited my place and appreciated the overall environment and our family system... and my mother's management of household chores... however my wife (as she was ungrateful from the beginning) spread all lies about my mother... i cannot afford to take sides... as i m brutally honest especially in a relationship and i can say that i m pretty good in maintaining cordial relations with friends and family members... i spend all the time with family after i m home... i've been with my friends only once after marriage

all in all i can say that it is ungratefulness and misunderstanding of my wife that i causing friction... how to handle these 2 aspects?
commented Oct 1, 2014 by longhands1 (71,435 points)

brshd,

As you must have recognized, brute honesty does nto pay. You need to be diplomatic in your dealings with family. When you speak the truth, it will often be construed as taking sides. 

You admit bringing up the topic of virginity was not wise, which you conveniently label as misunderstanding. The suggestion of wanting to work, should have come from her. (Her working will solve many problems as she needs to be pit of the house), but if you made it sound like it was her duty, then there will be a backlash.

You keep harping on gratefulness. Why should she only be grateful? She was not an orphan that you provided shelter with. There are many things that you too should be grateful about. Do this and see the difference in your lives.

0 like 1 dislike
i would advise you to sort things out ,talk with her.try to know more about her.one thing i can tell you is that such things happen when she doesnt like you.she might be preparing ground for divorce.also it might be because of your poor sex performance
answered Sep 26, 2014 by piyu2 (140 points)

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