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Is my brother-in-law trying to taking undue advantage of me?

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asked Aug 5, 2015 in Questions by sneha1980 (120 points)
edited Aug 8, 2015 by longhands1

I have a situation for which I can't seek suggestions openly so posting it here. Please try to help me. I am a housewife, 30 years old living in a joint family with my husband's parents and his 2 younger brothers aged 20 and 23 and my small daughter. We are quite a happy and fun loving family.

My problem started with some observations by one of my friend from my society. She mentioned to me that my husband's younger brother tries to touch me excessively in inappropriate areas. Now before anyone jumps to any conclusion let me explain things a bit. I dress in sarees at home due to conservative family and with saree a bit of stomach and back is visible. My brother in law sometimes puts an arm around my waist or on my back while talking to me or they'll tease me or tickle me or simply touch my waist.

I am quite ok with it as I consider them as my own brother and believe there are no bad intentions behind it. All this casual activities happen in front of family members and I have seen them doing the same with my mother in law as well. When my friend told me about this I told her the same to not worry about this but she said that such situation might become bigger problems later on.

Another incident happened during the holi festival, when one aunt of my husband also came, all the ladies and gents were colored and my friend saw from her house my brother in laws coloring me by putting their hands on my back, neck and stomach and she again raised the topic. However since I was there i knew all ladies were colored like that only, which is also quite common.

Off late, I have started to think is it really something wrong what I am doing, or on the pretext of being casual some advantage is being taken of me.

Has anyone else has been in a similar situation, please advice.

 

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9 Answers

1 like 0 dislike
God has created man and women and there is difference in sexual approach of both of them men show little  aggression in sexual approach.I think it is natural one that any men tend approach aggressively when see beautiful woman or if he likes her and it natural and some men try to control sexual urge.

Now coming to your problem I advise you to avoid touching by your in law and if it continues or if he do wantedly then take your husband in confidence and tell him issue clearly and ask him to watch then your husband may take correct decision with out harming relationship if relationship harms it is difficult to get united. If it worsens then leave the house and stay separately .

Take decision without harming relation.

One of my  brother in law's brother spoken vulgar to my wife on phone from unknown mobile number and we have stopped taking to them without harming relations

Take care bye
answered Aug 6, 2015 by wildsex2016 (550 points)
2 like 0 dislike

Sneha, Its only you who can tell whether those touches are lecherous or inappropriate or rather just friendly and brotherly! 

  Every woman can tell even with strangers crowd  that a certain touch was deliberate or intended! 

    But i do not think it would have been inappropriate because until you were told by that'nosy' friend of yours you even had not realized it! But in many societies such touches are not normal especially with a sister in law it is considered taboo . In my community even a brother can not touch his grown up sister the way you have described ! 

  What you can do is watch him out carefully . See how he looks at you or at your 'assets' Is it a normal innocent gaze or is it a lusty gaze trying to look beyond your cloths! You would know easily. But refrain from asking directly as it would lead it him thinking inappropriately even if he hadn't until now! 

answered Aug 6, 2015 by prashant69 (6,810 points)
0 like 0 dislike
Dear sneha ,
i personally feel,  that if your brother in law's touch your body in public  , then there is no problem at all . They are like your Brothers or your close friends (Boys)  ,  The relationship between the bhabhi and  Devar (Brother in law ) is always like a good friends , hence to that extent they are unconsciously  touching your body.

However you can directly talk to them individually and suggest them that now they have grown up and they should avoid these types of acts.

all the best
answered Aug 6, 2015 by kapilh (1,015 points)
0 like 0 dislike
Dear Sneha,

I have no experience in this matter but I would raise the issue with your husband and see if he sees it in the same light as you are.  There is no harm in how you have explained it because the chances are your husband has also seen it with his own eyes and has, as we know, not made any comment.

I dont believe from what you have described this to be anything other than playfulness and not to be taken the wrong way.  However, since it has been raised and you are having doubts you need to have trust in your relationship with your husband - raise the question with him.  If he is okay about it then he should pay more attention to what others in the family are behaving towards you but from afar and then he can communicate back to you so that you can both work out the best course of action, if a course of action has to be taken.

For the record I consider the back and arms and lower legs to be neutral zones, the naval and thighs is getting a little close but the red alert zones are the bottom and crotch.

These matters when raised in private with your husband are I consider trust winning relationship matters, it will help you in the long run and him knowing you can be trusted and you share these issues with him and he should also do the same with you.  He will know that you are not too easy person and have the moral high ground as such.

NB WARNING however, I should also state that if your husband is a person that is over protective and jealous type this is not a recommended action.  Seek the help of your mother in law.

Otherwise enjoy family life as you have described it, I would dismiss it, if i were your husband, as some family fun but thank you for raising the issue so I could then judge for myself.
answered Aug 6, 2015 by Idontknow. (800 points)
0 like 0 dislike
Hi  sneha1980 babhi,

1.Dont worry too  much.
2.Just check when they touch you all your family members are near you, if yes , then it is normal for them, if they touch u  only when u r alone or no one is near you then you have to be little more  carefull,their intentions could be wrong.
3.Due to their age they might have been  behaving  this way, once they will  get married everything will become normal till then u have to adjust and  be little cautious.
4.Try to wear salwar.
5.Always be with some of your elder family members.

Verdict:

Better shift you house stating one genuine reason like childrens education or better join in for some job.
answered Aug 6, 2015 by rubber1988boy (655 points)
edited Aug 7, 2015 by prashant69
1 like 0 dislike
In first place, you should not believe on your friend’s words since you did not have encountered any indecent act from your brother in laws. Moreover, your brother in laws touches your bare stomach and neck in front of family members that means he does not want to take any advantage from you otherwise his all acts would have been done in absence of family members. He does acts with you because he shares good bond with you.

I have not found any frightening things here, which instigates me that you will be in trouble if you would not ask him to stop all this. However, you have to keep these things in your back of the mind and will have to react immediately when you think that things have started going out of control.

Right now, enjoy your friendly moments with your family, as it is very rare to find such friendly family in these days. He cannot take any inappropriate advantage from you unless you allow him to do so if you are sure that you will never allow him such things to be happened between you both, than there is nothing to worry.
answered Aug 7, 2015 by alpesh kapdi (20,515 points)
0 like 0 dislike
Dear friend I think being a married female in our society you should not be so casual...In our society such closeness between a male and a female whether in front of others or in privacy not accepted....He may be your brother in law but at this age it is unable to have full control over sexual fatancy...As you are so intimate to you,he has every opportunity of looking you and your body so closely and cannot stop touching your visible waist,stomach, back,neck and coloring you while touching those sensible parts in the name of fun and affection...
   As the such body parts of females are so sensible to induce sexual desire in females.. those visible parts should only be touched by husbands in presence of others..not by any persons...As some persons have noticed it you have to think seriously and react in such a way he must understand that its not good at all...Next time if he does so you go to him  and in privacy tell him directly that at such age its bad..whether it is intentional or not the people would considered to be be deliberate...You should make him understand and realised and not to repeat same thing in public or in private...
     Last but not the least now a days incent relations are on the increase..you should better warn him from the beginning.. Some of your family members will react if more such intimacy goes on and your famiy relations will be bad...So don't be so casual and don't be so intimate to brother in laws...Maintain a little bit distance because its absolutely necessary in a healthy relationship....
answered Aug 8, 2015 by Sexy Simpram (1,225 points)
0 like 0 dislike
Hello Sneha,

I have to say, it doesn't sound to me like your brothers-in-law are taking liberties. Their behaviour seems quite consistent with that which you would expect from your brothers. Showing familial affection is not wrong, it helps to bind people together as a family. If any of them started to make unmistakable sexual advances towards you, you would need to nip that in the bad immediately; unless you actually wanted it to happen. You have given no indication that you are interested in your brothers-in-law from a sexual point view, so you have nothing to feel guilty about, and from the sound of it needed today.

I think your friend may be looking for mischief where none exists. Perhaps she comes from a family where such things were taking place, or perhaps they still are. Her own experiences are just that, her experiences. If she is genuinely concerned, you can tell her that you have made a note of it, and if anything deliberate occurs, you will put a stop to it straightaway. It may also be the case that she is jealous, and jealousy can make people say or do things that can be regretted at a later date. I don't know how many times an ill spoken word has triggered an avalanche of discontent; potentially causing rifts within an otherwise happy family stop

If anything untoward does happen, make it perfectly clear to the perpetrator that you will not tolerate such behaviour. You don't have to make a big drama outfit unless it continues. It sounds to me like you live in a very happy environment, and you wouldn't want to spoil that. Continue living the way you are, and forget these comments from your friend. As I say, she may have experienced things differently from you, and she may have your best intentions in her heart, but you know better than anyone how your brothers-in-law make you feel, so go with your own feelings, not the comments above us.

I'm sure you will continue to live a very happy life, so best wishes.

Salma
answered Aug 8, 2015 by sexysalma (14,920 points)
1 like 0 dislike
Hi,

Well sometimes you have to a judge of yourself. After going through your question I don't see that there is any wrong doing from your BIL and suggests you to rubbish all the claims made by your neighbor. Its only that these guys are your BIL so you are suspecting them, but tell me would you do the same if they were your real brothers? Well alternatively if your are NOT able to detail us the situations they do draw a line and keep yourself check about your BIL activities. But I still believe if your BIL does all the actives with other ladies of the family and that too infornt of all they I think you are in the safe hand.
Rest post us in case you find yourself in any suspicious activity of your BIL
answered Aug 8, 2015 by letschat0921 (785 points)
commented Aug 13, 2015 by sneha1980 (120 points)
After reading some of the posts and after discussing with another friend I decided to put my BIL on test. Since my BIL touches my waist or back only, i thought of wearing a blouse which completely covers my back and a bit longer in length so as not to expose any skin at all, my BIL came he simply touched my back the usual way and left.

Next day i decided to wear a blouse which was a bit deeper on back and again the BIL touched at the same place on my back, basically he likes to touch the lower back skin between saree and blouse and has never tried to touch any private areas. So i think it might be probably safe to conclude that he might just be acting friendly and might be a common thing in joint family.
commented Aug 15, 2015 by letschat0921 (785 points)
See now u have d bull's eye. So don't conclude  on what others have 2 say,don't also believe us as we all try to ans u based on assumptions which may always not b correct. So taste d food b4 giving d verdict

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