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How to handle my wife's death and my second marriage?

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asked Jun 22, 2016 in Questions by girish21 (175 points)
edited Jun 24, 2016 by longhands1

My wife died after giving birth to male twins on the same day. Now I am married to a widow without children. She takes care of my kids and family well. My mother and father are both aged. I work in  pvt firm.

My widow wife forced me to share some moments of my earlier marriage. In her first marriage her husband died and she did not get much enjoyment. She has thyriod. Some one told me that she will not  have issues, but when I had sex without protection she became pregnant and since then her behaviour has changed.

She wants her own child, may be a girl. She  wants lots of sex saying, I do not have much urge for it and even my erection is not strong and does not last. She gets frustrated with this and says if she did not get fun then she will not get any in future as we will become aged.

I have suffered lot of trauma. My first wife died in fornt of me as Doctor did not come  to visit. After surgery no care was taken. Her family members took care of my kids for  6 months and now they are with me. Health dept officials inspected the hospital and said it is due to doctor's negligence. Now FIR is registered and case will be lodged by in-laws. I lost my job but now got another one. I do not feel any urge to have sex and feel very passive.

My wife fights because of this. I asked her to give some time to recover but she is not ready saying why you are not forgetting her. I love my second wife and I want to give her every thing that a husband must give. I even watch porn, though I do not feel erotic. My family members are counselling us, but still the problem exists.

Please suggest how to overcome this. If I watch gay sex some times I get interest. Some times I feel I should become male escort so that I can earn good money. But other times I hate all these kinds of thoughts. I do not smoke, booze or do any unwanted things Pn life. Did not have a girl friend even during college days. I have not cheated any one so far. People say I am too honest and sincere and have straight forward nature.

I am looking for only genuine  reviews and suggestions..Time passers please stay away. I am asking support from Anjali and other experts.

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4 Answers

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Best answer

I had to read this letter carefully, as there are several threads that need to be examined.

The first thing that I have to say is: I'm not a psychologist, or psychiatrist. I have no medical training, so what I will tell you in my reply is only my opinion, and you really should seek some specialist help.

It's strange that we can feel quite confident to go to a doctor and ask for treatment for some kind of physical illness, or for broken bones, cuts, or trauma of some kind; but when it comes to having some kind of mental health issue, so many people are afraid to seek professional help. There still seems to be some kind of stigma around the idea that people can have mental issues, without there being some kind of mental defect.

Here in the UK, attitudes have changed significantly. Soldiers coming back from was in the Middle East and Afghanistan have returned with mental health problems such as post-traumatic stress disorder. Others have come back with severe physical injuries, loss of limbs, loss of sight, paralysed, and so on, and underlying the physical injuries are often severe mental scars. Imagine the trauma for a man who cradles his best friend in his arms as he watches him bleed to death, unable to save his life. How can that not cause some kind of mental problem? In your case, your wife died in tragic circumstances, and it has affected you badly.

Unfortunately, you haven't told us how long ago this tragic event took place, and how much time has intervened between your first wife's death, and your marriage to a new woman, who presumably, as her own issues to sort out, due to the death of her husband. They say, whoever "they" are, that time is a great healer. That may be so, but some of us need professional counselling after experiencing something really traumatic. In your situation, this is not exactly a closed chapter in your life, as there is still an ongoing negligence case being brought by your former in-laws, which still clouds your horizons, and is a constant reminder of the loss of your first wife. You also have two young boys who must be a constant reminder of the death of your first wife.

Given all these factors, it's hardly surprising if your mind is in a confused state, and it wouldn't surprise me if you're suffering from depression. Depression can take a number of forms, and one thing that is frequently associated with it is a complete loss of libido. It may also be the case that you are subconsciously scared of getting your second wife pregnant because of the possibility of her also dying during childbirth. To say that this is an extremely remote possibility does nothing to allay your fears, no matter how irrational they might seem.

You say that your new wife became pregnant, so I assume that the pregnancy is progressing normally. Any kind of thyroid condition can be treated with the right medications, so that need not be an issue for you to worry about. Of course, you already have had one tragic experience, so it's easy for me to imagine that you are constantly worried now that your second wife is carrying a child inside her. Again, professional counselling would help you, and reassure you that the vast majority of pregnancies are concluded with the successful delivery of a child, leaving both mother and baby healthy. This message needs to be reinforced in your mind, as your personal experience has suggested otherwise.

Your new wife wants you to forget about the previous one, and this is hardly surprising. It sounds as if her own first marriage was not that successful, and she is now pinning all her hopes on being second time lucky. She's pregnant, and like many pregnant women, she still has an appetite for sex. With all your worries about her being pregnant, sex is probably the last thing on your mind, as you may be scared that it may affect either her or the baby growing inside her. Again, professional counselling can help you to understand that sex during pregnancy is usually perfectly okay. Her gynaecologist would have warned her if there was any kind of issue.

Something else that you mentioned in passing is that you watch gay pornography, and that it does provide some stimulus. You didn't mention whether the gay sex was lesbian or male homosexual activities, but in a way, it's probably not very relevant. Most people have at least some curiosity about homosexual activities, even if they are straight. As a bisexual woman, I watch pornography of every kind, and there is usually something that will trigger a certain level of excitement. Please don't read too much into this, as I don't think it has a great deal of relevance to your situation.

You tell us that you never had girlfriends at college, so I assume that your first marriage was arranged by your parents. I am dead set against a ranged marriages, as I feel that people should be free to choose for themselves who or what they want in life, and not be pushed into something by their families. But that's only my opinion, and if your previous marriage worked, it really is a tragedy that he ended in the death of your first wife.

Your new wife is a bit unrealistic expecting you to forget about your first wife's, but she is right that you shouldn't let everything that happened in the past dictate what happens in the present, and certainly shouldn't determine what happens in the future. She is being a mother to your two boys, and she is hoping to have a little girl, which would make your family complete. You say you love her, and want to give her everything to make her happy. I suggest that you sit and talk to her with complete openness, and explain how you feel, and talk to her about the things that are weighing on your mind. Unless she's a particularly insensitive person, a conversation, or perhaps a series of conversations, that help her to understand you, may make things a whole lot easier. And if you seek some professional counselling, it may be a good idea to find out whether she can accompany you. It really is essential that she understands what you are going through, as it will help to make sure everything remains stable, and will give her the hope that things will work out well in the long run. What you really must avoid is having secrets which you keep from your wife. Secrets will only exacerbate your situation, and lead to further confrontations.

I would suggest that your first step is to see your doctor, and ask him or her to recommend some good professional counselling. Try to include your wife in any counselling or discussions or medical appointments as much as possible, as you need her to understand and cooperate. If you can imagine, she probably feels quite disturbed and perhaps even distressed, because she is wondering why you are behaving the way you are, and showing no interest in her, at least from a sexual point of view. She probably feels neglected, and that hurts any woman. A woman who feels hurt often reacts by being argumentative and constantly angry. Remember that she has also been a victim of loss, and perhaps she also has some unresolved issues that she keeps buried deep inside her subconscious.

I don't know how much help this has been to you, but I wish you and your wife and children a very happy life together. With help from the right people, there is no reason why you can't resolve your issues, both of you, and have a successful marriage.

Love,

Salma

answered Jun 23, 2016 by sexysalma (14,920 points)
selected Aug 10, 2016 by girish21
commented Jun 23, 2016 by girish21 (175 points)
moved Jun 23, 2016 by prashant69
Thanks for your support.

I was working in a good company in a metro city staying in hostel,parents were not ready to stay with me as  do not like metroy environment& wants to spend life in thier native place.They gave full free dome to  marry any girl I want even told to get married then come home as both were sick could not do much.I resigned the job relocated to home town, joine one more job, searched girls on my own as I wanted to marry as per my parents wish and arranged one.Its our family tradition.The girl was from rural back ground but later with great difficulty  we  had good relation as her family members used to call her on phone frequently and she used to get disturbed , unable to concentrate on her  life.We consulted nearly 4 -5 doctors, she had eliptical preganancy miscarriage.Some doctors cheated us for money and one of them started IVF so  there  were 3 babies, the one which is not healty has to be sacrificed as per doctor.Parents insisted to have one but wife did not agree.I even suggest to adopt a girl or boy  to prevent her from  undergoing pregnancy related pain but she wanted some thing of her own.At the end it was good relation.I have anger on her family members as  they did not  take care of her , she & her mother  only went to hospital , her other family members were not with her even when I insisted that during 9 th month one of them must be with her, they did not keep the promise.My present wife family and earlier wife family know each other since many years.Wife died in december and I got married again just after 6 months of it as  I required some one to take care of me and my family.Before marriage everything was informed to her and she agreed ,said she do not need any kid as already has two and growing up of them wiill be tough.I tried to condom during sex but she said  she was told that she will never conceive ( In her first marriage, even tried IVF) she forced not to use condom.After getting pregnant started getting angry and violent.We consulted dr and it was terminated (3 weeks of pregnancy) with her consent.She takes care of my kids were well,in the morning she is very good but some times night becomes very violent, most of the time she is depressed says she will never get happiness in her life, wants to die, she tried to  hang herself but I prevented.Our room is not like a closed room, it has  multiple doors and windows and our voice can be heard at the other rooms.So I feel insecure to have sex.I keep another of  my room closed and keep watching videos on net, surfing etc .I have  destroyed most of my earlier wife belongings and have only few which will be disposed soon.I have fulfilled all her desires except sex, one or twice I have told her that I licked my earlier wife pussy and fucked for one hour, this is only on her request, but when situation turned  like this I have stopped.I took some pills at that time they increased my stamina  and first wife was  not much aware of sex , it is me who taught her.I tried some medicines but they did not work.I feel I am along in this world also some problem happened in job and socially also. I has insulted w/o any reason.
commented Jun 24, 2016 by confusioninmind (1,365 points)
Salma what you said about the counselling part, that people think no sane men go there, the thought processes are changing in India too. I mean people have started to somewhat understand that you can do it too even if you're not mad. Especially me and my mom at least explain it to people whenever the situation demands....We are moving away from that melancholy!
asked Dec 22, 2016 in Questions by girish21 (175 points)
edited Dec 24, 2016 by longhands1
Why have I lost my sex desire after my second marriage?
0 like 0 dislike

Girish, My most sincere sympathies are with you dear . Listning to your ordeal any other person could feel himself lucky. 

     We are slaves of the times . What has been happend certainly can not be changed . Now as you have remarried  it will be better for you to try to forget your first unfortunate deceased wife. Its obvious that its not easy for you to forget her. Still try to be more intimate and be more involved with your present wife.Because   becoming  your second wife  is not her fault. She must have been having legitimate expectations from you as well as from life as any healthy woman would understandably have. Sex is also part of it. If you will keep remembering your first wife certainly it will create hindrance  in your comjugal relationship.

   So you have to get over the memories of your first wife . Never ever mention her  in front of this second wife. You can keep all those sweet memories in your mind but do not exhibit those memories in fromt of this wife. And nothing is wrong if this wife too wants her own offspring/s. Just make sure that when she would have her own she would   not stop caring for twins.Else try to counsel her , make her aware of your physical shortcomings and try to make love with her as frequently as possible. If still the problem persists do not hesitate to seek medical help like counselling or sex therepist. Best of luck. 

answered Jun 22, 2016 by prashant69 (6,925 points)
0 like 0 dislike

So many unfortunate things happened with you and have been happening but you should not lose hope and patience that one day you will start doing well again with your life. Life has been hard with you but there are ways to deal with it so play smart role rather than keep resenting past.

Your current wife sounds selfish to little extent and has issues with understanding the situation. As far as your erection and urge to have sex is concern, I think you are fine but you are unable to do well because of pressure to perform from your wife.

Therefore, you have to make your wife to have conversation on real issues you are facing. You are right that you need time to get rid of everything that happened with you in last few months.

Discuss with her and try to show your side that you need time. If possible then it would be better if you see marriage counselor together and present your details to an expert.

You need to come out of this without getting frustrated as no one is in the fault here. She is pressurizing you for sex and forces you to forget your first wife because of she is feeling insecurity that, you will never be with her fully.

However, she has all right to enjoy sex and demand to have her own kids but it would be better if she act in mature way seeing current state of your mind.

I strongly believe that third party intervention is required to bring everything in order so without delaying see marriage counselor together. Remember patience is the key here to sort out everything. 

answered Jun 23, 2016 by alpesh kapdi (21,135 points)
0 like 1 dislike

Girish,

In your first question, written in April 2015, you said that you were married for 3 years and did not have kids. Now, a year later, you tell us that your wife died giving birth to twins and you re-married and now your second wife is pregnant. I have not really understood the sequence of events. Lots of things seemed to have happened in one year. Can you be more specific with the dates.

You seem to be an unhappy man and complaining about every circumstance you are in. Earlier, you complained that your wife was from rural background, could not speak English and did not dress up fashionably. You say that she was not really your soul mate, and kept complaining about her watching TV serials, which you do not like.        

I am sorry, I had to bring up your past life.

You are only complaining about your life. What have you done to make it easier for your new wife to fit into a difficult situation. You complain that she wants sex, which you are not able to provide. You are now married to her and should make every effort to keep her happy. You seem to be a selfish man. You wanted a woman who will look after your small children, and so married her. She is not a maid. She is your wife now and stop blaming her for getting pregnant. You should have thought about this before you had sex with her.   

She has every right to demand sex from you. While I understand your trauma of losing your wife to the callous treatment from the doctors, I would like to state that filing an FIR and perusing the matter in courts will keep your trauma alive and not give you and your Family peace of mind. Are you in a financial position (having lost your first job) to fight against the Establishment. All this sounds good on paper, but is hardly practicable. You may get a decision in your favour only after 25 years. Are you willing to sacrifice your whole life for this?  

You need counseling. You have some gay inclinations too. In your first Post you have also mentioned about having an eye on your wife’s sister. In both your posts, you have made yourself to be a martyr. Everyone else is at fault but you. Happiness is a state of mind. You can have a wife, two lovely twins and still be unhappy. Stop pitying yourself and start facing Reality. You will find that Life treats you the way, you view it. View it with optimism and see the changes.

By the way, your views about people is reflected in your statement “ Time passers please stay away”. Learn to treat others well and the World will respond.

answered Jun 23, 2016 by longhands1 (68,180 points)
edited Jun 23, 2016 by longhands1

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