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My Husband is having affair with my elder widowed sister. How to stop it?

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asked Aug 10, 2016 in Questions by married 1 (120 points)
edited Aug 10, 2016 by longhands1

Dear Madam Anjali,

I was happily married for last 24 years. We had an early marriage. I am 44 years and my husband is also of the same age.

A year back my elder sister became a widow. I brought her to our home for a month to stay with us as she was very depressed. During her stay here, she seduced my husband or my husband seduced her, I am not sure, but now they having a affair. I confronted my husband and he said yes to me. I had a big argument with my sister and I have stopped talking to her. She keeps sending me SMS saying she is sorry, but they are not stopping their affair. I told my sister that if she if she needs a man for sex, then she should marry again.

Why is she spoiling my marriage of 24 years? All this is putting an adverse effect on my son’s education who is preparing for 12th class. I am not able to support him at this time. He gets frustrated, and my elder daughter who is 22, is noticing everything what is happening between me and her dad and she is  also very upset not able to study further due to disturbance at home. There is no Peace at home for last 6 months.

My husband says he is not in love with my sister and he and my sister have sex only due to lust and not due to love, but I cannot digest this. I want your help. What should I do? We do not have Elders in our Family who can guide me. I have a Big brother in USA, I told him to come to India to help sort out this matter. He has spoken over the phone to both of them but they are not stopping. I cannot talk with friends or relatives about this because it will ruin my daughter’s future as in 3-4 years, I have to settle her marriage.

I am very upset. Please suggest something so this could be stopped and peace can return back to my home.

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9 Answers

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It is very unfortunate and dramatic situation you are going through. It is good that you have informed your brother to mediate in ongoing drama. Even if they will stop seeing each other, will you be able to continue your marriage with your husband? If yes then your brother will definitely make this possible for you.

You have to make your husband choose between you and your sister and if he is unable to decide then it is time for you go for separation. I am sure it is not an easy thing to execute but you are left with no option. What he did was invasion on womanhood. He did not respect you and will never do if you would not take stern action to make him learn the lesson.

It is time to take action rather than regretting your decision to bring your sister to your time to stay when she was in depression. Let your kids know your position as they both are adult enough to understand and even intervene in the matter. Your husband has not thought about your marriage which has been lasting for 24 years. 

answered Aug 10, 2016 by alpesh kapdi (21,135 points)
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The situation is very complex and unethical.You are responsible for this.You brought your widowed sister for one month's stay.The responsibility of looking after your widowed sister lies with family members of her husband .Where you were when they did the mischief?Talk with both of them,pray to them for not spoiling your conjugal life.You may discuss the matter with your children's.I hope solution will come out.
answered Aug 10, 2016 by Motilal (5,530 points)
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When a man or woman have an affair behind their spouse / partner's back, its called cheating, when they do it openly its disrespect and indifference and frankly, power play.  Your husband;s message to you is simple 'You have a house, kids and comfort. You won't do better than this. So sit back and accept  this. i know you you won't fuck it up over this **** oif a sister of yours'.

And he is probably right.

The question you should ask is to yourself 'whether to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune or to take up arms agains a sea of troubles'....The right choice i.e. walking away is the difficult one.

p.s the quote was from hamlet :)
answered Aug 10, 2016 by steppen (260 points)
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Its a serious matter dear married 1.....but separation is not the only way to solve it.First of all try to convince him calmly tell him that he is doing a wrong thing.Try to consult with your family friends and put the matter in front of them...Also listen to your husband,s point calmly.As  you have said that he admits that he had been physical wid her not in luv wid her...In my opinion both are different things.....love and lust are not same.Try to find out that does he really loves you.If all the things are negative then go for bolder move and take your decision.
answered Aug 10, 2016 by rockybaba21 (280 points)
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As I see it, there are two options open to you:-

1.   Asking for a divorce, citing his adultery with your sister as the cause.

2.   Learn to accept that your husband can't keep his dick in his pants, and your sister can't keep her legs closed. And ignore what they are getting up to.

You can try insisting that he stops having this affair with your sister, but that hasn't worked so far as it!!! You have fought with him and her about this, and it isn't preventing them from having sex with each other.

The disharmony that this is causing within your household is affecting your children. So will divorce. But, if you are so unhappy with the way things are now, then even if he does promise to stop, you will always be suspicious of him, the moment he steps foot outside the door, or whenever your sister is in the neighbourhood, or just when you are sitting quietly, thinking about nothing in particular.

When people start having affairs, the last thing they think about is the people that will get hurt by it. And once you have lost your trust in your husband, you may forgive him these misdemeanours, but you will never forget. Every time he does something questionable, every time he does something that annoys you, every time you want to score points against him in an argument, you will remember how he has betrayed your trust. Furthermore, every time you see your sister, you will get those painful feelings in your chest, and probably, your fingers will itch to scratch her eyes out!!! Your children will notice this, and it will upset them, knowing how their mum feels about their dad's betrayal of her with their aunty. Divorce at least gives you a clean break, it lets you get on with your life, it gives you a sense that you have rejected the bad parts of your life.

People are always afraid of the social stigma attached to divorce, but this is really not worth considering. You don't have any parents who would insist on you maintaining their honour, and your own honour has already been ruined by your husband's betrayal with your sister. I can't imagine that anyone would expect you to remain in a relationship so destroyed by disloyalty.

The other thing to consider is this: all the time that you are fighting with your husband, your children are affected by it. A clean break from him would at least put an end to the fighting, and the children could then settle down with one parent who gives them undivided attention and love. If they wish to, they can still visit their father, but if they know what the situation is at home, I don't doubt that they are disgusted with him and their auntie.

As I said, the second option is to accept that your husband is unfaithful, and with your sister. You can continue living in the same house, but effectively, your marriage in the real sense of the word is already over. He can tell you all kinds of things about how much she loves you, And he only has sex with her because he lusts for her, but if he really loved you, would he have betrayed you with your own sister?

Men and women have affairs, it's a simple fact of life. The reasons for it are usually because it is exciting, or the sex at home is not either frequent enough, or has become routine and boring. Some people have affairs simply because they have the opportunity to do so. Finally, you have to accept that love doesn't always last forever, and some marriages were never made for love in the first place. In your case, whichever person seduced the other, the result is that you have become the third party, while they are busy having sex with each other. I don't know what it has done to your own sex life, but I would imagine that every time he even comes near you, all you can think of is of him getting out of your sister's bed!!! If you can learn to live with this, and let them carry on their affair, then your marriage could at least remain intact as far as certificates are concerned. It still wouldn't make your children happy, because they would still know what's going on.

I don't see any point to involving your older brother. If he lives in America, he has probably got a life of his own, and he probably has a very American way of looking at life. He would probably be telling you to get a divorce, and sue your husband for as much of the communal property and assets as possible, as that is the American way. Personally, if he recommended that, I would agree with him.You are the victim here, and I can't imagine any divorce court doing anything but finding in your favour.

You have been betrayed in the worst possible way, by your own sister. I suggest you tell the pair of them to get on with their lives together, and be gone from your house. If he really loved you, he wouldn't have done this to you. It would be better for all concerned if he went and lived with your sister, and left you to get on with your life.

As for your kids, whatever course of action you take, they will face upheaval, and they will have to cope with it as best as they can. Believe it or not, kids are pretty resilient, and they can get through their parents divorcing and splitting up, without it destroying their own lives. Don't you think your son and daughter would rather see an end to the fighting, and you at least coming out of the divorce, knowing that you have done the right thing?

I invariably try to answer people's questions and posts on this forum without taking any kind of side. or making any moral judgements. But I must say that I find your husband and your sister to be morally indefensible. You would have to be a truly horrible woman to deserve what they are doing to you, and I have to say that you don't come across as being horrible in the slightest. I know you face an uncertain future, whichever course of action you choose to take, but I do wish for your future to be much happier than your present.

At 44, you are still young, with plenty of years left ahead of you. I urge you not to waste them in a relationship where no trust can ever exist again. Maybe you can turn things around, and use this violation of your trust and love to shake things up in your own life. Perhaps it's time to make some changes to the way you feel, the way you look, and the way you let yourself be treated. When you feel happy about yourself, then the future doesn't seem quite so dark, and you can face it with hope rather than fear.

With love,

Salma
answered Aug 10, 2016 by sexysalma (14,920 points)
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Dear Mar,

Sex and its impact is so peculiar that it can be defined in both the ways. Why he is doing this and how to stop it and what are the steps to be taken that will restricts to repeat the same in future? There are cases happened in routine life when a man/woman involved in extra marital affairs for long time and its unknown to their partner and some times the partners are being caught by their partners. This followed by damage control steps.

Each and every aspects need to be studied before taking any conclusion. Various literatures depicts that if you have desire in your mind and when you get the opportunity then the opportunity needs o be grabbed. In this case your husband and your sister might have some relation which might be ended with her marriage. Now when unfortunately she is become widow so she got the chance to get sympathy and support from your husband. The proverb “Everything is fair in love and war” rightly said, inspite of your several effort they are not being detached from each other. In this case you have to strict in your behavior towards both and clarify them that you are not only concerned to their relations but also can take some bold steps like divorce and others.

You should discuss with your sister in a polite way and convince her that her act may put into deep trouble in future days. She may argue that your wife may leave you for her but you have to convince her for remarriage. You should explain about your sister’s family and her relation towards her in laws and others.

It is unacceptable that due to divorce she is hunger for sex, there might be other factors that lead to this. You have to discuss in-depth towards her problem as and when she feel you as a well wishers then she may elaborate in details. This may give you ideas to approach towards the problem.

If you are going to take some step haphazardly then that may also disturb your life so be careful by taking revenge as the single way to resolve the problem.

Requested to update what you did and its impact so that your question will be followed in future by readers who facing such problem or required in future.

answered Aug 10, 2016 by bubu_002 (2,730 points)
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Hi married 1....
What  happended in your family is giving you heavy mental tension, no doubt, hampering your family status, disturbing ur 24 years married life. But my dear, life is not a straight line. Life  runs in its own way, not  according to our wish.
You think, what happened is not good. But see  it   has  happened.  We all should be  prepared  to accept both good and bad. That  is life.   If you try to find whose  fault is it,   who is responsible for ur this misfortunes ( as u feel it misfortune, but l do not  feel it misfortune)  either ur hubby or ur sister or you, you get more n more mental tension, suffer a lot.  If you oppose them their attraction n relation will be more n more strong.  If you make it big issue, tell ur brother, go to court of law, etc,etc, your family prestige will hamper, ur children future will spoil.  
So my dear, you please listen me.  Just change your thinking.  Try to accept the reality.   Sex is a very normal n essential thing like food, sleep and  no body can  ignore it.  Ur is 24 yrs of marriage, ur hubby also telling  u that he loves you a lot and ur elder sister also sms you feeling sorry.   Both r ur own, one husband and she's your sister . So you  must ignore their mistake, start loving them.  Solve the case among you three, not involve any other,   ask them to stop sex , if they can not stop, you be benovalent, give permission to them . By permiting them you will  raise ur personality among them and both  will  start loving you more   and gradually their relation  will start decreasing.
Leave this matter in the hands  of time.
But l want to give you a new type of suggestion . If you are interested, it will  not bea  bad  idea for you to  with them for sex . You three do sex together  and enjoy life.  Life is meant for enjoyment, not to lead in  tension and vimper.
So you think carefully.
Best of luck.
answered Aug 11, 2016 by nneha (225 points)
edited Aug 11, 2016 by prashant69
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Hi Married , you are in complex situation. You can't digest it and you can't ignore it also , if you try to stop then it will create more drama and also lead to more tension and may be to an extreme situation where some people take extreme steps. You can do one thing if you are financially independent you can get separate or started living separate. Except this I don't think you have much option other then ignoring them , but how hard it is for you I can understand , you can do one thing that happily accept it and start living with your sister and hubby with feeling no jealousy of your husband fucking your sister instead you can enjoy threesome. As your husband said its all about sex then enjoy it like that or your can also teach a lesson to your husband by having sex with any other men (tit for tat) of he try to stop you, ask him to first stop his relation with your sister.
answered Aug 11, 2016 by Jhonsm (1,180 points)
commented Aug 11, 2016 by married 1 (120 points)
Thanks everyone for your Support and Answers. I really appreciate some of the replies which have given me positivity of hope.

My Brother who is the eldest among all of us is coming to India with my Bhabhi in the next week specially to put an end to all this. He even said to me not to disclose their visit to India to my Husband and even to elder sister. I said as you are our Elder in our family so this matter needs to be resolved. He must guide the other sister to correct her path as my elder sister has only one Daughter who is married overseas. My brother has even called and informed this mater to sister's daughter she to is coming to India in the next week. All have sympathy towards me because they say why I must suffer now as I have to see good future of my children. I do not want to leave my Man if he chooses me back. I am ready to accept him.

It is a fact that when every bad things start, they do not stay for long and has to come to end, so I do not know what my destiny is but the family stands behind me and these family values people forget when they indulge in Extra Marital Affairs.

Thanks Everyone once again. I will inform you of the outcome. Now, I am not worried as before. As per your suggestions I could manage to gather support for my self within the family and hopefully this will be good..
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hi di.ur huby is not guilty.u make sex wit him befor he gois out..  then he wil not able to fk hr.

and suddenly it will break up.thk pls rply
answered Aug 27, 2016 by roy.rishita (110 points)

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