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I am mentally involved with a friend more than my husband. What to do?

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2.9K views
asked Nov 27, 2016 in Questions by madhuri.deshkar (120 points)
edited Nov 28, 2016 by longhands1

I respect my husband and he is a good friend. But I do not love him. The reason to stay in touch with this friend is his idea of sharing every thought, good-bad experience, friendliness and ability to relax me in hurtful and pressuring situations; it is more than life.

I do not love this friend but we have reached many times almost at point of sex, after marriage too. He never did sex till now because he asked me to come physically when ready, not just like getting exiting excited and do it. He never did hold any emotions hidden inside him and he shared everything with me, his fantasies too. He loved me a lot.

Somehow he couldn't move on completely even after I got married to someone else. I cannot avoid him. I have shared my semi-naked, transparent dress / lingerie pics with him as I I could not avoid his physical desires all times. What to do?

It is not possible to leave him, as he is my best friend with whom I can share everything without having a feeling of judgment. My husband doesn't want me to talk to him too as he know he is from my past, and our relationship. They even had a verbal abusive argument before marriage. Now this guy has many pics of mine  which are very discrete and post-marriage stuff. There is no blackmailing from him and no such intent too. I trust him.

BUT I want to ask you what could go wrong and what shall I do.

He is never willing go let me go from his life and he will find me out from anywhere because he cannot afford to lose me. We cannot be just friends, because our emotions are extremely high for each other and due to that we go beyond regular, moral friendship .

Please help me to improve my situation. I think I am not in danger but mentally yes I am in a kind of a mess.

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7 Answers

0 votes

Madhuri,

As the Poster in your Question says: There can be platonic Friendships between a Man and a Woman. It is very difficult to describe a platonic Friendship. There is Love, but there may not be Sex. It could be a Union of two Souls.

The chemistry between some People is unbelievable. As you have said, you realize that this man could have easily had sex with you, but you respect him, because he has not taken advantage and you know his intentions are pure. He is sincere in his intentions to be by your side when you need him.  

How did you both meet? Was he in love with you, before you got married? You said you do not love him.  You seem to be comfortable with your secrets with him. Was your marriage to your husband an arranged marriage? Why don’t you love him?  

Why do you think of avoiding this Friend or leaving him? He has stood by you in times of crisis. Is it that you fear that you will be having sex with him? Lust and desire is a human trait and why should you hold yourself back?  Sex, however will change the equation between the two of you. One of you will be more demanding of the other. Since your husband does not approve of this relationship, you will have to consider how sex will affect your marriage.

You have mentioned the pictures he has of you. Since these are not explicit with sex or nudity, why worry? You are also confident that he will not blackmail you, but is there some doubt in your mind? Have faith in your friendship and your trust in him. Do not think of the past. Think of the Future.  

Have you tried taking a break from this Friendship? Are you willing to forget him? He cannot, what about you? There are some hard decisions that you will have to take. Do you break up with him? Do you progress to having sex with him? The future of your marriage?   

As long as you do not take these decisions, you will have to live with the tension and the mental turmoil.  

answered Nov 28, 2016 by longhands1 (55,050 points)
commented Nov 28, 2016 by madhuri.deshkar (120 points)

Morning,

He was my boyfriend before marriage but somehow I couldn't fall in for his love. He still loves me. He behaved like a kid many times. As in, his behavior changes sadistically when I am not able to talk to him or be in touch with him for a few days too.

He calls me his drug, because he tells me that he won't be able to live away and without me for a long time. Gone are 2,3 days away from him, and the way he talks (NOT at all in abusive or foul or scornful ways) gets sad like Devdas. Many times we have parted, but he comes back to me. He tells me that when he dies, he wants my face to be the last face to be seen when closing his eyes, too much drama boy he his.

Yes, he had many opportunities before marriage to have sex with me, and even after marriage we were in like twice, thrice into such situation wherein he could have used my body for his sexual fulfillment. We got into purely physical but he says he forgot to have sex because he was absorbed in me and some timeless things he tell me which I am not able to comprehend. He does lots of exercise, is fit mentally, does yoga and he never lacks energy. I also know his sex power/libido is high because I have felt it. Even just seeing me or hearing  me he has those 'hard' feeling, I just know it because he never hides anything from me.

The problem is if I have sex with this guy, I will have big guilt. I am a married girl, and I don't want to indulge in this extra marital relations. I don't have any issues with my husband.
 If I am in a private location with him, he tries to come very close to me. I get uncomfortable as I get those feelings for him. I know at a point, I cannot avoid this feeling for him and then I want to have it badly.

Yes, I may have random but less sex feeling for him but I don't want to go into that. Sex with husband is moral. But with him, it is an urge which happens at a moment.I don't even want to indulge in physical or sexual talks with him but he tries many time as he said he want me that way too. I can try fulfill his demand and then I will have guilt that I broke the bond, trust of my husband. I think I am in contract to social/so called moral obligation and my guilt is related to that. Don't know exactly.

He doesn't have nudes but those are very compromising pictures. If my husband sees them, he might even call me for the separation.
He cannot be just friend with me. I tried many times. He keep calling me using those flirty and cudly names, full of sugar coats. I even got angry bcz of that.

He tried to move on with other girls, after I got married but he says he didn't love anyone till now and confident he won't be to natural and 100% involved with them. He says he don't even like kissing any girlfriends because he never loved them. Yes, he had been into sexual relationship for some short times with 2 3 girls and even went with prostitutes in Amsterdam to expel his sexual and physical anger which was due to me.

He says that I have been never able to give him a long term bonding or relationship security. There is a worst part of our relationship - he keeps taking my picture when we meet, ask me selfies daily in morning or night bcz he say he wants to start-end the day with me. He has even stolen my pictures without my permission from online accounts (yes he hacked for pics).

He has all the pics of me from last 7 years. Don't know what is he doing with that. His mobile is full of my pics. He say Sunny leoni or say any hot actresses are beautiful, they can tease him but they are full of makeup, surgeries and not real. He wants me by bare skin without makeup and gratify his senses with a real person like me. Sometimes he talks like a baba.

He can stare me for hours. He calls that honey-tratak. I laugh sometimes because of his fundamentals. But I get angry too various times, he is never willing to lose me, can't be just like a simple friend. He says he comes as a complete package and not with hidden or partial emotions. He clearly says that if I behave like a friend but inside he wants to make with me on bed then would like me to that hideous person. I say to hide those feelings, he says that he cannot control anything now and want to flow with me and the life because life is too short to think if to love completely.

He says he wants my body because of this only he came to me and all emotions have come through it, so how come he can reject the physical temptation to touch me and so on and just be involved with regularized-normalized level of emotions. He says he can't be artificial and half-hearted, with partially emotions when with me.

0 votes

You have already created a mess in your life with this your so called friend. There is no blackmailing but do you guarantee that he would not use that stuff to blackmail you if you want to stop talking to him. He is talking to you for a reason and that I could safely say that he wants to get into your pants and somehow he knows that he would get succeed.

What you are doing is called cheated on your husband with your friend, which you do not have a right to do so as you cannot make your husband suffer on your account. His intention is not good otherwise he would have stopped talking to you when you got married because both of you know  that if you get caught by your husband then your married life will come into danger, which true friends never wish.

You should start living in the real world and stop justifying your act with your friend. Be mature and start seeing your life in a practical manner. You should devote your time and energy into your married life and take steps to strengthen it. You both should accept the reality that you both cannot be with each other so better to move on in your life.

Have a clear discussion with him and tell him that you are no longer able to continue the friendship hence he should allow you to move on as that is the best course of action. If you think that he may blackmail you using that stuff then talk to your husband. You should take him into confidence so such thing would not affect your married life.

You can take the help of cops if the need arises but cut off all the contact and focus on your married life. Do not fall into his arguments trap as when you let him know that you want to break the friendship he will start arguing with you to continue the friendship but you should stay firm on your decision. We do not get what we want in our life but that does not mean that we have to be cheaters or mean to get something that we desire. Do not be selfish by continuing friendship with your friend. Don’t you think that your husband deserves better treatment from you?

answered Nov 28, 2016 by alpesh kapdi (17,585 points)
commented Nov 28, 2016 by madhuri.deshkar (120 points)
If he had wanted to get into my pants, he would have been into a long time back.
You didn't understand that if he wants he can to other girls too. But he is unable because his string is highly attached to me.
If he would have wanted me to blackmail, he would have done long years back, even after my marriage when I sent him those pics.
Now when it comes to emotional traps, if emotions are trap then congrats we found a synonym for moh-maya. Yes, everyone deserves a good treatment, me, my-ex and my husband. I cannot serve all, but I cannot be bad with anyone.
Now the reason for turmoil, to be honest, if could decipher both end in short desc, it high at emotional level. These are something which I never got from husband.
We cannot get all from a single person, may be he is able to satisfy me more mentally and I needed his badly, so I took his all intentions and pretended to be his friend. In real, we both are more than friends.
If he was a cheater, he wouldn't have revealed his part gf and prostitutes history. It is a dark history, right! Think you mated with a call-girl or something like that would you be able to confess these dirty secrets, most wants to hide. Yes, he has lied to me on many occasions but he has even justified it. Me, you or many will not accept it. But we are not into brain relationship here, it is matter more of hearts and conscience.
commented Nov 28, 2016 by alpesh kapdi (17,585 points)

It sounds that you want to keep everyone happy around you so you do not want to be bad with anyone. It also suggests that you are keeping the friendship with him because you are unable to get emotional needs fulfilled from your husband, in that case do not you think that you should talk to your husband about your needs and expectations from him.

You both need to seek the help from marriage counseling to be emotionally available to each other. Will you be able to ride two horses simultaneously? Overall, it sounds that you are mitigating your friendship with this man which your husband does not approve.

If you are not able to connect with your husband physically and emotionally or he is unable to provide you what you desire then you both should try to communicate on that and if at the end, it will not work out then you can divorce him but keeping another man in your life who is more than a friend while being in a married life is not morally acceptable. This is my opinion and you have every right to contradict it. 

commented Nov 28, 2016 by gr8gaur (565 points)
If you can't get everything from your husband then why not divorce him ?
+1 vote
Whether its platonic or flirtatious or sexual is not so important. What is important at this stage is how you maintain secrecy. Make it clear to your friend that you are running a high risk so to maintain the friendship or whatever it is he will need to follow your lead. The following steps are important. 1 You will call him, he will not call. 2 Delete all call logs every day. 3 Minimize social interaction with him involving your husband 4 Try to encourage him to delete your pics. 5 Semi nude or nude shows should be live (e.g on Skype) rather than by sending pics. Once he is set and you know that you are in control, then consider sex. Most important don't set routines, routines are predictable and easy to catch by your husband. Take simple, practical steps and enjoy the best of both worlds. However if he does not comply, ruthlessly cut him off. A woman in control of a relationship can enjoy all the passion she wants. All the best
answered Nov 28, 2016 by steppen (260 points)
0 votes
So according to what you have written here 'I respect my husband but I don't love him', then please tell me why did you married him in the first place? Was there any pressure from your husband, his parents or your parents ?

                                                     Why would you destroy a nice guy's life by marrying him when you don't love him? Whether you had sex with your BF or not, its still cheating, and the only sufferer is your husband for no fault of his. Spare a thought for your hubby too.
answered Nov 28, 2016 by gr8gaur (565 points)
0 votes

Madhuri,I think i can give you words of advice to you as i have been in the same situation two times the least. 

               Both times i was emotionally involved with two different women . One was with  while i was in teens.And second time couple of years back when  married. No doubt such emotional involvement gives wonderful feeling. You feel satiated. And always long to connect with that other person. We share everything like what u ate, what you did , whats your plan for the day etc etc .And this way emotional dependency goes on increasing.Unless we get the connect with that person we feel uneasy . 

      I hve gone all through this and now completely out of it  Fortunatrely without being caught by Gods grace. 

     And it did not happen without complete aliniation. If you want to get over with this 'friend' of yours then you have to put a complete, blanket stop on all the communication with this' friend'

   This might be difficult to you as you have written that your friend will never let you go from his life. And if you too  want to continue with him then you can but you have to be as discreet as possible. If you are chatting with him on net or whatsapp you have to clear the chat history . Do not leave behind any trail of your communication. But remember this definitely would progress to physical relations one day unless stopped for once and all. 

  Whether this is cheating or not ?Yes definitely its a cheating even if you do not happen to have physical relations. Its my opinion. And as one of our ex members used to put it 'opinions are like assholes, everyone have one.' So its your take. Everyone  wants some soul mate . You  have one. But as they say 'two swords can not be contained in one sheath' Its difficult for you to pursue  nice relations for both of them, so think who is more important to you and take proper and informed decision.

   Another point i want to make before concluding my answer is what you are getting here is a pleasure of cheating too, doing something taboo which is against social norms . It also could have been giving you a high. Even if you decide to live with this 'friend' of yours then later your current husband would become your 'friend' with whom you would feel more attached and emotionally bonded. So please think all this over before taking any action. 

Best of luck. 

answered Nov 28, 2016 by prashant69 (6,595 points)
0 votes

Dear MaDe,

You told that you have long time friendship with the guy who is now nominating in your married life by making a best friendship with you. As you have shared number of good moments before and after marriage without sex then the possibility of emotional dependence is become higher as compared to your husband. This might be happened because you did not delete his memory from your mind and substituted your husband. It may be interpreted that you are not mentally available with your husband and you might be not in a position to listen him. A relationship started with zero and then honest efforts would add numbers into it. It’s the effort that matters.

The guy is too possessive for you and wants to be part of his life. It is really interesting that inspite of your several offer he is unable laid you on bed. This implies that he is thinking for a big goal or he wants to have sex free friendship.

It will be turning point when both will share bed with sex. This act may give the clear idea of the future of next level relationship. In my point of view he is a well practitioner of sex and emotions that leads to these situations. During last 7 years he stored all pictures and he might be masturbating by dreaming you. You may be agree that at this point of time you have to decide your prioritization and start permanent relationship with your lover and free your husband so that he may further decide his partner.

It couldnot be justified that for your sake you are spoiling your husband’s career in married life. Please inform in this forum about your views in this regard.

answered Nov 29, 2016 by bubu_002 (2,470 points)
0 votes
so i have gone through your. situation and your comments and what i concluded about your situation is that you have mixed feeling for both your husband and friend. you dont want to lose both of them neither want to be away from any on them.
now here is a option of trirealtionship like you, your friend and husband together. but as i see your husband wont get convince for that. and you cant lose both of them.
so the best option is that you give seprately time to both of them like when your husband is outside be with him. and then later with husband. keep this secret.
and forget about regreat. see you achieve something we have to do something and you are doing this for them only.
answered Dec 18, 2016 by Luvleo (170 points)

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