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How should a father talk to his son about sex?

1.4K views
asked Feb 17 in Questions by curious.dumb (225 points)
edited Feb 18 by longhands1

In India, sex has always been considered a taboo subject. As kids can't ask such questions to their parents, they find other ways like elder friends and Internet.

Often kids have no idea that their source of information might be misleading / wrong and full of myths. As a father how will you create that environment where your kids can ask and talk to you about sex? How should a Father handle the conversation so that it doesn't become a dirty talk that happens with friends but becomes an advice.

How to maintain that line between dirty talk and advice?

featued question
commented Feb 18 by Raj Handsome (860 points)
Indeed a very good question. Giving sex knowledge to their children by their parents is always a problem due to shyness. Here in India it is considered as taboo. Our culture is like that. But many don't think that it is the very very important to give proper knowledge about sex to their children to avoid their mislead about it.

Even Biology teachers also sometimes skip the lessons on Human Reproductive system in class due to shyness. I consider sex is the biggest taboo in our Indian society.

I can't advice you on this topic because I am still young and unmarried. So I commented here instead of giving answer. Hope lots of fathers on this forum will give advice on this topic.
commented Feb 19 by curious.dumb (225 points)
LOL...Raj Handsome. I am not married either. I am as old as you are. What you have said about teachers, is exactly what happened with me in my school. That is why it is  important for parents also, to educate their child about sex.
commented Feb 19 by Raj Handsome (860 points)
I knew that you are of same age of me because I checked your profile and also thought while commenting that you must be unmarried. The thing I am not cleared is why you asked such question ? For you to teach your child about sex education is maybe after 15-20 years. Why you worried about this now is not clear to me...



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A good question you have asked and I would tell you what my father told me. Maybe it can help.

I was 14 then and watching television went he walked into my room and said he had something very important to talk about. At first I thought someone had complained to him about all what mischief I had been doing as child back then and that he had come to scold me but to my surprise it was something else. He was there to talk about what growing up is, what hormonal changes are, what infatuation means and what sex is.

At first I was reluctant to talk to him due to all the awkwardness but then he told me, "Buddy, you are 14 now. Your body is going through hormonal changes that means you are beginning to turn into a man now. Soon you'll have beard, chest hain, hair in the armpits and other things. Learn to keep yourself clean. But don't be ashamed of it because that is natural and happens to everyone. Just as we start getting hair all over our body, we even experience night falls which is what you will learn in your biology class in days to come. Now in women, women start experiencing periods. They bleed. Nothing to laugh about, it is how they begin their journey to womanhood.

Also hormonal changes will turn into all those sweet crushes you have into infatuations. You may feel attracted to your cousins, your teachers, some girls in your class or maybe even random women or girls passing by. Just remember, not every infatuation means love. Infatuations are normal and nobody would judge you if you get infatuated to someone. People would judge you if you don't. So be natural and be very cool about it, don't make a very big deal out of it as in you going and gifting a bunch of flowers to every other girl you meet. No. Never do that. Also, in a couple of years you are going to strike adolescence which might not be a very pleasant experience. It may cause frustration, anger, you may start hating everybody around you, even yourself and that might lead you to be mean to others. Your friends, and the media might try to corrupt your mind regarding sex. Just remember, sex is a natural process.

This is how I was born, your mamma was born, you were born or anybody on the face of the earth was born. And it is a very natural process, you will learn more about it in your school and after learning it might just happen that you will give in to your peer pressure and might want to try the novelty of it. Just remember everything has a right time. You never learned to cycle when you were six months old, did you? You waited for the right time and you learned everything in the right time, right? So will you with this too. But remember 17-18 will never be the right age for it scientifically. And however hard your urge will be, try and control yourself or if you are unable to, speak to me, I promise I'll be a friend.

When your adolescence will pass which will be around 20, you will take an year to figure out what you want from your life and when you hit 21, you will fully get a hold of yourself by then. Just remember, at every step me and your mamma are with you and remember that you have to come to us first if you want anything or have a doubt about anything."

This is what he had told me and I remember every single word of his. Those words of his have made me stand firm with my own morals and have made me believe in myself. And I threw tantrums during my adolescence but the way my parents have been friends to me, I will always be greatful to both of them.

I really appreciate your question. And if you are a dad and want to tell your son about his hormonal changes, adolescence and sex, go ahead and do that. Whatever you speak, speak from your heart, your child will always love you and be indebted to you for doing that. And I hope what my dad told me 7 years ago would help you too!

Take care! God bless you!

answered Feb 18 by confusioninmind (1,360 points)
selected Jul 13 by curious.dumb
commented Feb 19 by curious.dumb (225 points)
Thank you 'confusioninmind' for taking time to write detailed answer to my question. I agree with your dad's straight forward approach. What your dad had told you is surely going to help not only me, but also many reader having same question in their mind.
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I'm surprised that more parents don't ask this question.

Given the abysmal state of knowledge that many of our younger readers (and not so young) display, sex education is woefully inadequate, and as far as I'm concerned, it starts with the parents. To my mind, is one of the fundamental duties of all parents to educate their children about sex, and I'm not talking about the simple mechanics of it, I'm talking about the whole loving relationship issues, and the various activities that all form part of one's sexual experiences.

I can never understand why people get embarrassed about this. After all, we all have sex, and hopefully we all enjoy it. And there is so much in sex to be enjoyed, why do we want to make such a big mystery about it?

Children are naturally inquisitive, a look at their own bodies, they look at the bodies of their brothers and sisters, and sometimes they see their parents naked, or seminaked, and don't think that they are not wondering, every time they look. Nowadays, in spite of various programs to stop kids getting access to things like pornography, any reasonably intelligent eight-year-old child can find porn if they have access to any communication device. And if you think they're not looking, think again!!!

When I first started venturing onto this forum, one of the things that shocked me was how little people understand about the most basic things in sex. It mystifies me that people can come on this forum, and ask basic questions about whether or not they can make somebody pregnant by a ejaculatory into their girlfriends mouth. If you can find this forum, you can find sex education websites just as easily, if not more easily. You can learn about the detailed anatomy of both male and female sex organs, and about their function. You can learn about sexually transmitted infections, you can learn about the A-Z of sexual practices, from the most basic, right the way through to the most exotic and perverse. Yet we still have people coming on here asking about whether swallowing semen is harmful, or if anal intercourse can make a girl pregnant!!!

If all children received proper and detailed sex education, starting with mum and dad explaining things to them, then we wouldn't get such ill informed questions on this forum.

It doesn't matter how many times I, and all the other editors and the moderator try to tell people to do a bit of research before they write to us, we still get people asking the same things all the time. Even as I write this, you will find ignorance abounding across the pages of this forum.

For the most part, I blame the total lack of honesty of both parents and the education authorities in the Indian subcontinent. I'm from London, and sex education is taught properly in the UK. What's more, there is no stigma attached to telling your children all about sex. My parents gave me a thorough education, and I knew exactly what it was all about, how to do it, how to avoid pregnancy, and how to extract the most pleasure possible from sex. But I know that some of my girlfriends, and I went to a school where at least 60% of the pupils were from the Indian subcontinent, or second-generation Asian English girls, had a similar problem to those which we see on this forum. White parents and black parents in the UK have no problems talking to their kids about sex, but Asian parents are still backward!!!

There really is no excuse for not talking to your children about one of the most important aspects of life!!! And as for teachers that skip around the subject, and, as one person who wrote in recently said, tell their pupils to read the text in the book, without discussing anything, I believe that they should be dismissed. People like that are not be worthy of the teaching profession. Teachers are supposed to teach, and that doesn't mean selecting the bits they like, and avoiding the bits they don't want to talk about.

I can't claim that we've got everything right in the United Kingdom, or anywhere else in the Western world, as it still doesn't prevent such things as unwanted pregnancies, sexually transmitted infections and so on, but all of us who have children oh it to them to give them a proper education about sex, as well as about every other subject that is important to them. India is rapidly becoming one of the world's most dynamic countries, yet in some ways it is still sadly lacking behind. The young generation that is growing up right now, I hope, will recognise the importance of good education about sex, so that future generations will be far better equipped for life than the current generations are now

People seem to be scared to talk to their kids about sex, and I suppose it is because they believe it will make them promiscuous. Well, all of you, wake up and smell the coffee!!! If the pages of this former anything to go by, promiscuity is alive and kicking, and young people are finding out themselves about sex, in the absence of any kind of education from their elders.

Salma

answered Feb 18 by sexysalma (14,920 points)
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Writing on this forum after so long. I answer is not to this question but I want to share a real experience of one of my friend, to highlight to need to teach sex education to curious young kids.

I am 29 year old guy working in a reputed firm. I got a friend request on Facebook from a girl. I usually don't accept unknown people but as she has messaged too, I added her. She is just a 22 year old college girl, very simple and very decent in talking. We talked normally and I give her career advice sometimes.

Once I asked her how she came to know about sex as I myself came to knew very late. Her answer was so shocking. She was in 11th standard not curious to know how sex happens. She asked her mother and her neighbour (an elder girl whom she used to call Di), both didn't answer. She asked her biology teacher too in the class, all laughed. Teacher tried to tell but she didn't understood.

Finally she asked an elder guy next to her house about how sex is done and how a baby is born. To answer this the guy actually did sex with her! And she thinking to be loyal to him, had sex with him multiple times. Finally realizing very late that he is using her. She felt like her life is ruined and has lost interest in relationships too. I try to motivate her and hope she will be ok with time.

What I feel here is how reluctant her mother was when she asked about sex. A proper answer would have saved her from getting raped. As parents, one should not hesitate explaining sex to their kids openly. There's more harm in not telling or giving unclear answers. Once in school library I found a book on How to teach Sex Education to our Kids. Never read that book but I hope if one has no idea, can go through that book.

answered Feb 19 by friendofall (375 points)
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It is so good to see a healthy debate on this question. Often children are left to learn from experience and as friendofall has given us an example , it is often too late and the damage is already done.

Where should sex education begin: at home or in the school or randomly from peers and friends. Parents believe that it is the duty of the educational Institute and by inference from the curriculum (prescribed by the Government). Even if parents know it is their duty to begin sex education at home, the mother thinks it is the duty of the father to tell his son and vice versa. Unfortunately it remains at that stage. At the most the mother may tell her daughter about periods and menstruation, but rarely progress to sex and its nuances.

We post many useful Articles on this Forum, and are happy to see more Users commenting on these Issues rather than only view the Photo Feature.

At what ag to begin? Children of the age of 6 and above  are aware of their bodies and the pleasure some of their actions provide. It is not necessary to give a detailed reply at this stage, but all questions asked should be honestly answered. We hope that all our Users reading this will practice this advice with their children and share knowledge gained here. Many Books are available in the Market which explains for different age groups the process of procreation and sex.

Let us make a beginning in our own Families.

answered Feb 19 by longhands1 (65,840 points)
commented Feb 20 by friendofall (375 points)

Hi longhands1,

It's nice to see someone being responsible about need of sex education to young kids. I really appreciate your efforts in answering and discussing various issues on this forum.

To start with sex education, I believe, parents should teach their kids as young as 6 about good touch and bad touch. They should ask children to inform them if anyone touches them at inappropriate places. Parents should themselves tell about marriage, birth of baby, living together etc. without going to details  by the age of 10.

By 12, I believe they should show them human anatomy diagram and explain the details too. As early age sex is not considered good in India, parents can tell their kids a boy and girl living together without being adults is wrong. More importantly if their kids are curious, they should tell things clearly.

Hope it may helps to someone looking for the answer.

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