Attention, men: Please do not put your penis in a coconut
This is a coconut. Not a sex toy.
Today in ‘wow, kind of wish I didn’t know that’ news, apparently there are some men in the world who are turning coconuts into makeshift sex toys.
‘Around eight years back I lived in Northern Mozambique, a coastal southern African country with quite a warm climate,’ this mystery coconut-banger explains.
‘My mother at the time was going through a ‘health nut’ phase and only buying foods she deemed healthy enough. One of these was coconuts. She would buy several coconuts a week to use in food from the local market.’
Being a horny young man, coconutthrowaway69 decided that these coconuts would not be for eating. They would be for fucking.
He drilled a large hole in the coconut, added some butter (for lube), and shoved his penis in the coconut.
‘It actually feels pretty damn good so I blow my load, shove the coconut under my bed and continue about my day,’ he writes.
‘For the next week the coconut is my saviour.
‘Whenever I want to get off I simply take it out and fuck it in its delightfully tight hole made better each time by accumulating volumes of my semen and butter acting as a lubricant. It’s heaven.’
We’re just going to pause here to let everyone get over the visual of a coconut sloshing with semen and butter. Pleasant.
Now, while this story has been horrifying from the get-go, this is where it gets worse. This is where it gets horribly, horribly wrong.
Don’t put your penis in a coconut.
‘About a week and a bit after the initial coconut fuck (I had been using it pretty much every day since then) I begin to notice a few more flies than usual as well as an odd, unpleasant smell about my room,’ he says.
‘Must be the coconut right? So I decide that I’ll fuck it once more before I throw it out and get a new one.
‘Worst mistake I have ever made.
‘You see, the reason for the increased number of flies was that the coconut was evidently, in hindsight, a nearly perfect place to lay eggs.
‘As I penetrate the coconut one last time I begin to feel a strange wriggling sensation.
‘Puzzled, I pull my cock out to discover that it is COVERED in rotted and moldy butter and semen and TEEMING WITH TINY FUCKING MAGGOTS.
‘They were wriggling all over my dick head and some were even trying to force their way up into my urethra.’
He then, naturally, threw the coconut across the room in horror and had to clean up the maggoty, semeny, coconutty mess from his floor.
He then decided to share his story with the world, as a word of warning to other people with penises considering sticking said penises in coconuts.
But instead of serving as a warning, it gave people ideas.
A quick search of Reddit reveals multiple other posts from people revealing that, inspired by that original coconut-fucking incident, they, too, had put their penis in a coconut.
This is a banana. Do not put your banana in a coconut.
Now obviously, all of these stories have been posted on Reddit and haven’t been verified.
We’ve reached out to the original coconut-banger to chat (and hopefully get some evidence that won’t involve pictures of said coconut, because we really, really don’t want to see that), and will update this story if we hear back.
But just in case the initial story was clearly not enough to dissuade people from ever, ever putting their penis in a coconut, we thought we’d just repeat the message here, firmly.
DO NOT PUT YOUR PENIS IN A COCONUT.
Fruit, vegetables, and other food objects (yes, even pies) are not designed to put your penis inside.
They’re filled with sugars that can cause damage to the delicate skin on the penis (and will wreak havoc on the vagina, if you happen to follow up your coconut-f***ing by putting your penis in an actual vagina), and can be abrasive and acidic.
You could end up hurting your penis in all kinds of ways by putting it in food. The food may be too hot (again, pies are a bad idea) and leave you with burns, too acidic and cause damage to your skin, or could have rough surfaces that give you pain and irritation.
Plus, as the story indicates, it’s not very hygienic to leave fruit and veg around after slicing into it – especially after filling it with semen.
Instead of resorting to makeshift sex toys, it might be time to normalise men going to a store and buying things specifically made for the purposes of masturbating.
Just like women buying vibrators, it’s perfectly alright for men to treat themselves to tools that make the masturbation experience more pleasurable or exciting. There shouldn’t be any weirdness around it, we shouldn’t judge men for doing it, and the more we normalise men’s purchasing of sex toys, the less they’ll feel ashamed enough to f*** a coconut so they don’t have to face judgy eyes for getting a fleshlight delivered.
Masturbating is normal. Using toys can be great. Both Ann Summers and Lelo have dedicated men’s sex toys sections, complete with all the Fleshlights, cock rings, and prostate massagers your heart and penis could possibly desire.
Treat yourself to a sex toy if you feel like your wank sesh needs a little jazzing up. Do not put your penis in a coconut.