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He isn't into sex, but I'm.

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asked May 10, 2013 in Questions by divya.elegance (1,280 points)
edited May 10, 2013 by Invincible

I really wonder have sex has anything to do with age. My sexual life in my marriage is more horrible in many ways after five years of married life and I always believe that whatever the problem is, communication can do a world of good so I spoke to my husband many times and he always talks about Indian culture and western culture and how he feels that having sex for the last 5 years of our marriage and having a kid has been more than enough.

I am completely against such a lame statement because I feel to have routine sex and many times I feel so frustrated and angry about it and sometimes when I am aggressive, he feels that I am kind of a sex freak. If as a man he doesn't need sex, then why do I?

featued question
commented May 10, 2013 by Invincible (12,550 points)

Just do it,

Why do you post comments when you can answer? If you don't know, comments give you no points while an answer would award you with 5 points and you're not a guy who posts one-liners, so hope you take this to your mind and post answers to comments.

Editor.

commented Nov 30, 2013 by unknownboyforsex (110 points)
sex has good imp in indian culture.. show kamasutra to him...



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9 Answers

2 like 0 dislike
 
Best answer

It just hurts to know that you’re failing constantly in spite of putting every effort to have and enjoy a good sexual relationship with your husband. Your last post said that he found some thing interesting and is back, but knowing that it wasn’t permanent just takes the matter to square.

As for your question, sex has nothing to do with age; it has everything to do with the mind. f a guy s disinterested in sex, that means many things; starting with the biological reasons, the drop in the testosterone levels, other physical conditions such a ED, PE, repeated use of any specific medicines subject to diabetes or BP, all these contribute in one way or the other and it is advisable to see a doctor, but then again you’ve tried this as well haven’t you, so I wouldn’t suggest you this one.

Work stress is one which would drive men away from sex, as much as sex is a stress buster, some men don’t realize this. Porn and masturbation is the other, some men do not want to leave this for the real deal as it has become a sort of addiction and finally your respective libidos, but then again, your guy should be performing at least some thing other than zero right. Having low libidos doesn’t mean complete abstinence, so that might not be the issue here. I’m sure you’ve tried every trick and method, but if the problem is persisting, its time you decide on an alternative.

You’ve earlier ruled out EMA/EMS and have also said masturbation doesn’t help you, so consider divorce if you cannot tolerate this sexual frustration. Staying married with no sex would at some point lead to you cheating on him, because staying controlled before experiencing sex is bearable but doing the same after tasting sex is quite a task.

Talking to him has not resulted in any progress, so play this card or ask him to see a doctor, don’t give him another option. You know, there are some successful asexual marriages where the spouses have understood their partner’s wishes, but in your case, you don’t have that, since you don’t share his way of abstinence. If a suitable opportunity presents itself or if someone comes to know of your sex life, he might seduce you, so stay careful.

And the final option, if you think you can also abstain from it, start loving him and enjoy the usual life minus sex with your husband. I remember you saying he is a good guy except for the sex, so if you cannot afford to miss him, learn to adjust here.

answered May 10, 2013 by Invincible (12,550 points)
selected May 12, 2013 by divya.elegance
commented May 12, 2013 by divya.elegance (1,280 points)
Thanks for your answer and good to see that you still remember all the details from my past questions. Yes absolutely, it hurts a lot, it is something like if i was begging to get something from my husband which is important part of married life. Probably he has some issue which he don't even wanna consult with doctor due to his men ago and now after so much of efforts i gave up as well which is even more disappointing.
commented May 13, 2013 by Invincible (12,550 points)

Divya, I'm pleased you selected my answer, but I'm surely not pleased for your plight, so I wish you peace and good luck. Loving him might work your way at some point, so try to enjoy the intimate moments at least.

1 like 0 dislike
Well divya Just yesterday  i was wondering where you have been ? Also thought that the marital problems you have been facing would have been solved till now but today upon opening AA your question has been staring back right at me! See divya actually it is a matter of libido It seems you both have different libidos ! He is happily feeling satiated with marital sex he had in five years while you are feeling unsatisfied Nothing wrong in both of you in a way ! From the last discussions regarding your problems we have over her at this forum it is clear that you are not a woman to go for EMS/EMA so considering it is out of question so again and again it would be either fruitless discussions or counselling with your husband or your final resort would be use of dildos nothing else ! As in meal intake of food differs from person to person as per his genes and built that applies to sexual libido too !
so rather than having remorse for having such a husband try other alternative like dildo to satisfy the crave you have!
answered May 10, 2013 by prashant69 (6,925 points)
commented May 12, 2013 by divya.elegance (1,280 points)
Thanks for your answer first of all. Well you have mentioned about different libidos but i think there are different reasons behind it as well as if one partner is lacking something then he or she can workout without any ego issues but unfortunately this is not the case. You also have mentioned about EMS/EMA then let me tell you that according to me there is a different between EMS/EMA so as far as me is concerned EMS is not out of question as EMS gives an opportunity and services like escort services as well with no strings attached.
commented May 13, 2013 by prashant69 (6,925 points)
with your thoughts about EMS you can go forward and find the happiness you are continually being denied ! But sometimes certain string of attachment could turn out worthwhile though than the string attached for  lifetime
commented May 24, 2013 by parik89 (2,190 points)

hey divya , as i said in my answer i wont blame u for the decision u take now , just be careful and think thoroughly about whatever decision you take , so good luck i guess

1 like 1 dislike
Hey Divya,I think you have tried enough and waited long enough expecting your husband to change and understand you.However all your efforts were not fruitful.I suggest you leave him as soon as possible and apply for divorce.Marriage is about equality and understanding each other's needs.He neither tries to understand  your needs and is also trying to impose his view of life on you.If he expects you adjust to his lack of interest in sex then why doesn't he can adjust to you having sexual relation with anyone else outside marriage.I think instead of making more late and waiting, claim before him your right to fulfill your sexual needs and if he doesn't allow you himself have sex outside marriage then tell him to apply for divorce and if he doesn't, you go for applying for divorce by yourself by finding a good lawyer and leave him and stay separate.Hope you soon start a new life and find a new partner\husband who can understand you and care for your different needs including sex.You have other options as mentioned by others but I think this suggestion is best for you now.good luck
answered May 10, 2013 by ravi rao (150 points)
commented May 11, 2013 by prashant69 (6,925 points)
edited May 11, 2013 by prashant69
bro oye, i never said anything against either EMS or EMA ever ! I just recalled that divya do not want to  get involved in either of them! So we have to suggest her the ways to enjoy sex without having to compromise her morality ! As in your comment  you have mentioned it is perfectly true that many abstain from it only because of lack of opportunity and as we both knew very well we both never had any dearth of opportunities ! and we have made most of then !Its going to be divyas call finally
commented May 11, 2013 by parik89 (2,190 points)
@oye exactly ,but i think for the first time ill agree with prashant that in india most people are still very reluctant to get professional help ,they dont want to go to counselling specially regarding sexuall problems we as indians have a problem of taking a marriage or relationship for granted and that is changing but very gradually,i think as a society we need to start accepting problems an seeking help.
commented May 11, 2013 by oye (25,670 points)

@ prashant, I know what you mean.  And yeah, for you and me, its no issue at all. I know how to control the situation, what to do what not to do. And you being an experience guy, you also know what to do. But often the problem happens when people lose control and gets to the same girls, that always unintentionally creates a deadly emotional attachment. 

@ parik, I agree again, people take marriage for granted, thats the biggest problem. Asking for professional's help, I dont think a female would ever object to that, but usually it always the male ego that prevents a man to meet a couple counsellor.

commented May 11, 2013 by parik89 (2,190 points)
well actually the problem with women usually is they take advice from everybody except a professional , sometimes they just compare marriages and look at other couple rather than focusing on their own ,that usually creates problems, and also i think sometimes the women listens too much to her parents in how to handle her family.
commented May 24, 2013 by bala944 (100 points)
a good sugestion because if understand is not there with the both husband and wife what is the meaning for married life
1 like 0 dislike
hi divya nice to hear from you again, i have read your previous problems and also replied, well need for sex doenst really depend on the gender and neither does the loss of interest, it could happen to anyone or with anyone , but one has to be willing to solve the problem.
now from ur previous posts and this one i can say that problem with ur husband is more psychological than physical, and its either his male ego that  is stopping him from accepting it or that he might be taking you for granted , both are not right, so you need to let him know that , tell him that he might loose you if he doesnt get his act together and least try for a solution. you have doen playing nice now give him an ultimatum.
im very much against EMA/EMS but i cant blame you if you decide to go for it as ur husband is neglecting your needs, but i would say this that it wont be a solution to your problem but just one wrong in place of an another and two wrongs dont make a right , so you should look for more permanent solution like getting him to acknowledge your needs or seperation or something like that.
or maybe you talk to your husband and make an arrangement with his knowledge that u can see other people for your needs like an open marriage (i feel it better than cheating as ur spouse know and gives consent ) , because betraying him wont be right and you would be always on ur guard , and maybe thats also plays on ur husbands mind that u might cheat or have an affair but u would never leave him so that also allows u to take him for granted.
thats what i think , best of luck with ur problems.
answered May 10, 2013 by parik89 (2,190 points)
commented May 10, 2013 by prashant69 (6,925 points)
edited May 10, 2013 by prashant69
yes i can see a germ of hot juicy story here which could happen in real a near impotent husband and hot horny wife goes out and brings men as per her choics in their marital bed to get her brains fucked out! The man in question need to have very big and kind heart indeed ! Not an Indian mans cup of tea!
commented May 11, 2013 by parik89 (2,190 points)
well it happens in india as well  and not confined to a certain country just these traits are less and rare , anyways my point was to point towards a solution that will be long term and not wrong , i personally even dont agree with that but i feel its better then cheating.
2 like 0 dislike
Hello Divya,

I think your sex drive is much higher than hubby's, and that's a problem. You're young, beautiful, and full of passion, and it's not being satisfied. So, what can you do?

I wouls auggest trying to spice things up, but you've tried that already. Sex toys can provide orgasms when the mood takes you; but what about that lack of love that you feel because he shows no real interest in your happiness? That's the real issue isn't it!

Sex is just a physical need that we all have (if we're normal, anyway), but I need more than a fuck, I want to make love; and the spiritual aspect of making love is what takes the act from being a means of purpetuating our species to a bond between people who express their love in the most intimate and exciting ways possible. If that is lacking, what is the point of staying together?

Salma
answered May 10, 2013 by sexysalma (14,920 points)
0 like 0 dislike
well sorry divya this is one problem that i guess no one in the world would be able to help you out with,  why?  Because i believe that you cannot control or choose your sexuality,  the moment you try to do so you get confused or hazed and start asking questions like this to yourself and people you look up to but end up withour getting any help.  

your husband may have some anxiety issues or he may be doing it some where else or he might be hooked on to some addiction like masturbation or smoking or drinking or may be he does not find you attractive enough.

One night in the bed ask him very clearly just before sleeping that what does he think you should do about it as you cant control it any more and then immedietly doze off without his answer as the idea is to let him ponder over it for a while and next day onwards observe his attitude.

If he changes for the good, then thank your stars and if he is the same then he obviously does not give a shit about it.  you are free now to do what ever you wish to do like indulge in ems discreetly or divorce him.  

One Advice : Follow your heart, listen to the subtle inner voice, it speaks very less but instantly we know that it is right for us.....

all the best.
answered May 10, 2013 by maxxx (270 points)
0 like 0 dislike
Your husband dosn't want sex neither do my gf. They both think of sex as a taboo. You can't help it out. Its deep inside their veins, an Indian mentality, to not let yourself enjoy the life to the fullest, neither let your partner.
Keep on masturbating like me, and satisfy yourself with your hand. Oh you can use dildo too. :)
answered May 10, 2013 by som02 (150 points)
2 like 0 dislike

Hi Divya, lets see, yor are 30 years old working woman, married for 5 years, have a kid, unsatisfied in sex life. I can see you asked a lot of questions before, and though you didnot mention, our mmbers recall you are aginst EMA.  Not sure if I ever replied you, just making a try. 

If you read any of my earlier replies, I usually give a priority on the problem first, the solutions comes seond. After all we are all different individuals and none of us are in your shoe, you are the person who is in ht tin roof, we can assume what goes on, but cant have the real heat. 

Perosnally speaking, I dont find any issue with premarital sex and extra marital sex. premarital sex is always a good option to understand one's future partner, their libido, their fetish, any kinkiness or even fantasy. You wrote on your profile, you spent time in Toronto, it should be nothing new to you. Now coming on extra marital sex/affairs, sometimes people go for that as a last resort. When things are not manageable at home, nothing works in order, thats the only way. Some does for fun too, if he/she doesnot neglect own responsibility, why not have some fun? As long as there is no money involved and no string attached, its okay. Well, morally its wrong, but we have only one life, whats to point of not having fun if one can afford?

Now lets talk about your issue. What you should do, a lot of people has written, I dont think thats necessary,because what you have to do, you will do. Our suggestion might help you, but its your call. personally speaking, in 5 years you think that its not matching in anyway, its better to get a divorce and start afresh. You are working plus your parents live abroad, re start is not a big issue. Its uch better than suffering next few years of active sex life all unattended, curb your karnal desire for morality, whats the point? 

You said communication is not working, very true. When its a issue which works on understanding or clarifying situation, communication works. When its a physical need and one is not capable, then communication is a waste of time. No counselling even helps. 

You said you have all the urge bt your husband is reluctant, tell me, did you ever try to find out why he is reluctant? Lets take a situation when a man is not keen to have sex with his wife, what are the issues there might be. First is, he doesnot love her, second is he is in love with someone else, and cant take two persons physical load, third is he is not on girls for long, a few days of fun and he knew he is not on women, fourth is he is basically asexual, but same as before, tried his way and found sex doesnot give him any pleasure. Fifth is a masturbation addict, sixth is cannot get a hardon without watching some porno and not ready to reveal, seventh is still couldnot forget first love, eighth is work pressure, ninth is having physical issue like diabetic of blood pressure or obesity and so on and on. Its not a single reason, there are lot more reasons, but which one or more than one is appliable for you, that he is not sharing with you. Do you know that or you are just assuming he is a stubborn guy who feels marriage s for procreation, and after that husband wife becomes brother sister? 

I saw some of your earlier questions, hnestly, it seemed some questions were useless. What you are going to do with this questiona nd reply, I dont know, still I pent time on this because this is a good question, if not helps you, still can help a lot of women who are having this issue, only didnot post.  The option you have is, go for separation for a few months to see if it works, second is go for divorce if your urge is that strong when he is a failure, and there is option for extra marital sex which maynot be moral, but lot of women have accepted and doing, there is option of sex toys too, the last option is keep adjusting with the situation, where you need to sacrifice what your your right. Marriage is a compromise, not a sacrifice. In few community if the sex is not there, one can go for divorce.  Its husband's responsibility to be physically engaged, if he cannot or donot, she can leave him. Of course she can sacrifice and stay back, thats is our biggest problem, talking about morality for others when its hard for one to keep curbing months after months. For givin a suggestion we talk on morality, social status, culture and so on, for own, we find an excuse.

So I am not suggesting you anything, you decide what you need to do. You can try with an effort to spice up sex life with fantasy role play or kinkiness. But thats the last try to reach somewhere. My suggestion is try to find out the reason why he is not keen. There has to be some reason you dont know that he hasnot shared, the reason you gave in question, thats too frill, unacceptable one. It is acceptable for a teen, village girl without any education or money if accidentally gets married to a rich guy. She will accept anything he says because she doesnot have any option.

answered May 11, 2013 by oye (25,670 points)
0 like 0 dislike
Dear Divya,

The sex has nothing to do with age its a person desire. if he has desire he can do sex at old age also.

As you had talked about this matter with your husband so you have left with only one option is to satisfy your sexual need with some sex toys.you can also try to excite your husband by dressing and talking sexy with him or doing such a thing that make him excited.as man shows that he has no intrest but he has inner desire for sex and it depends on you how to wake up his sexual desire.
You have to spice up your sex life as he is being bored with routine sex so you try to excite him by doing sex other places in house not in bedroom.
answered May 11, 2013 by neeraj123 (1,555 points)
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